The Frills of Beauxbatons
by MWPProngs
Summary: First assignment at an all-girls school, surrounded by hundreds of skirts every day, tasked with getting close to them all to learn their deepest secrets... It's everything a bloke could want. Well. Except for the part about actually wearing the skirt. Auror-in-training James Potter and his three friends are in for more than they bargained for with their first assignment.
1. Inspiration at a Crime Scene

**Disclaimer:** Jo Rowling is queen and if I were her I would rejoice, but alas, I'm simply attempting my own spin on her original works of art.

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"Another one?"

James sighed and slid his hands into the pockets of his cloak as he watched his father lower himself into a crouch by the body on the ground, tanned skin pale and brown eyes staring unseeingly up into the dark night. "That's the fourth one so far."

Charlus paid no mind to his son, his attention given solely to the man laid out before him. He extracted his wand from the pocket of his robes and passed it over the corpse, lightly touching the tip first to the man's mess of dark hair then his strong nose, calloused hands, and small feet. "Hm," he murmured thoughtfully, eyes narrowed behind his rectangular spectacles as he studied the softly glowing tip of his wand.

" _Dad,"_ James pressed, frowning down at his father. This type of behavior was anything but unexpected from the Auror. As a dark wizard catcher, Charlus was understandably engrossed in his work most of the time, and with the sudden string of murders plaguing London over the summer, it was no surprise he was getting more and more attached to the work that was constantly piling up on his desk.

"It's the same as the others," Charlus finally admitted, his usually gruff voice quiet with resignation. He sighed and raised a hand to run through his mop of salt-and-pepper hair as he rose to his feet and turned to face his son, usually sparkling deep blue eyes dulled to the colour of the ocean at night. "No trace of the cause of death. Whoever's behind this is good; they know how to cover their tracks." He glanced over James' shoulder and gestured for a pair of women a few years older than his son waiting on standby to get to work analyzing the crime scene.

James pressed his lips into a thin, grave line as he watched the girls work for a moment, then sighed and slid his hands into his pockets as he surveyed the small number of his coworkers working like a well-oiled machine to both cover the murder from prying muggle eyes and to discover any clues from the thus undisturbed crime scene. His eyes ticked back to his father after a moment as the older man prepared to Disapparate. "What does this mean?" he asked quietly, gravelly, as he strode forward to clasp Charlus' forearm right before the older man spun on his heel and disappeared into the crushing darkness that came along with Apparition. It was a sensation that James was all too familiar with, and while it usually led newcomers to toss their lunch, he hardly felt any discomfort anymore, himself.

The pair touched down in Charlus' office at the Ministry a moment later. As head of the Auror Department, Charlus Potter carried considerable weight at the Ministry of Magic, and as such, he had long since managed to nab one of the biggest offices in the building. A circular room with one-way glass that enabled him to look out over his charges without them spying on him, one section of wall was comprised of a floor to ceiling bookshelf broken only by a large fireplace, and the side opposite was full of clippings from _The Daily Prophet_ regaling the cases with more glamorous endings than others he had worked on. Complete with a small sitting area in front of the fireplace and a large, dark oak desk directly across from the door, it was easily one of James' favourite rooms in the entire Ministry.

The two men moved apart once they were on solid ground once more, Charlus moving to sit behind his desk and James before it. Silence fell between them as the former immediately dug into his desk and extracted a number of folders bursting with parchment all pertaining to different murder cases, the latter watching him with sharp eyes behind his wire-rimmed rectangular spectacles.

"They're all the same," Charlus muttered to himself, spreading the sheets out over the dark wood of the desk, brow lowered in concentration.

"They've all been killed by the same person, yeah?" James pressed, hazel eyes raptly following his father's movements, shifting so that he was perched on the very edge of his seat, coiled with excitement at the prospect of getting to the bottom of the case that had been plaguing both he and his father for months on end, since he first graduated from Hogwarts and started working under Charlus in the department.

"Yes," Charlus agreed, sitting back as he considered the spread of parchment laid out before him. "The question now is _who,_ exactly, has been doing the killing?"

James' hand jumped to run through his jet black hair, an absentminded habit he had long since picked up from his father, as he reached out with his free hand to take a sheet of parchment and began to read through it despite the fact that he could probably recite it with his eyes closed, the number of times he had read over the cases. The question of _who_ was one that had been knocking around in his mind since he first began working on the case, when he was fresh out of Hogwarts school not three months earlier.

Almost an hour later, as both father and son were silently going through the cases for what quite possibly may have been the hundredth time, the tense silence that had filled the room was broken by a muffled _pop_ and the opening of the heavy wooden office door. Remus Lupin, one of James' best friends from his Hogwarts years and now currently a fellow Auror in training, stepped into the office, his usually calm face twisted into a look of apprehension.

"Sir," he said haltingly, taking a small step forward, his thin hands tightly clutching a small paper bag to his chest, seafoam green eyes filled with anxiety. "We found something at the crime scene."

Charlus' head immediately snapped up and he rose to his feet, his formerly tired expression snapping into sharp focus. "Bring it here, Lupin," he ordered, voice sharp and commanding.

Remus hesitated for only a moment longer before he gave a small sigh and nodded, striding forward and placing the bag down on the desk. He extracted his wand from his pocket and gestured to the bag, levitating out of it a thin strip of blue fabric which he let hover between the three men. "It was found snagged beneath the victim's boot," he said quietly, eyes fixed on the fabric. "I ran a few tests and—and found that it's come from the Beauxbatons school uniform."

James gave Remus a sharp look. "You're certain?" he pressed, brow creased uncertainly.

Remus nodded reluctantly. "We also found the victim's identity," he said quietly. "He's Francis Dulac. He—he works as a caretaker at Beauxbatons."

James' eyebrows jumped into his hairline, this new bit of information completely taking him aback. "Dad?" he asked uncertainly after a moment, glancing over at the older man, who was studying the strip of fabric with careful eyes.

"Who else knows about this?" he asked quietly after a moment of silence, eyes never leaving the fabric.

"Only the three of us at the moment, sir," he said evenly. "Everyone else was too busy trying to determine the cause of death to bother with assisting me."

Charlus nodded slowly, remaining quiet for a moment longer before he straightened and sat back in his seat. "We should keep it that way," he said quietly, calmly raising his eyes to level with the two young men standing before him. "The Minister would have my head if I started an investigation into a _school_ for murders without any substantial evidence, and even then he might hesitate. Parents would go mad if they caught wind that there might be a _murderer_ in the same building as their child. No, we should definitely keep this quiet."

"So we're just going to do _nothing?"_ James exclaimed, taken aback by the suggestion.

"Of course not," his father said with a roll of his eyes. "' _Keep things quiet'_ is not synonymous with _'do nothing.'_ You two boys are going to help me look into this. The two of you and Black and Pettigrew."

James and Remus shared an incredulous look at the suggestion, particularly at the involving of their two best friends. "How the hell are we going to help you solve a murder?" the former asked skeptically. "We've hardly been out of school for three months."

"Which makes you the perfect age to work on a case involving school," he said simply.

James cocked an eyebrow. "Four blokes can't exactly go waltzing into Beauxbatons, an _all-girls school_ , unnoticed," he said dryly. "And the birds there don't get out enough for us to chat them up to get information. I wouldn't say we're perfect for this, dad."

Charlus considered his son silently for a long, heavy moment, then carefully rose to his feet, lacing his hands behind his back as he crossed the room to thoughtfully survey his charges through the one-way window, the room descending into a lengthy, thoughtful silence. "The Ministry is corrupt, boys," he finally said softly, his tone so low that those listening had to strain to hear. "It has been for a while now, as I'm sure you two have realized. I've no idea how deep it goes, nor who to trust. With a mission as sensitive as this one, I know the only people I can trust for certain are my own flesh and blood and those who, at this point, are like sons to me." He spun back around to face James and Remus, expression as serious as ever as his striking deep blue eyes ticked to study each of their faces. "Despite one obvious setback, you boys _are_ the perfect candidates," he said sharply. "You're young, intelligent, handy with a wand—everything you need to be for this mission. Which is why you _will_ be taking it on, no matter how mental it may seem."

"It seems pretty mental," James agreed, frowning deeply as he regarded his father with confusion. "How the bloody hell are we going to do this when we won't be able to get within ten feet of the school without raising alarms?"

"As we are _wizards_ , James, I do believe we have access to means that would aid the cause." Charlus crossed over to an armoire situated beneath the case files on the wall, opening the top drawer and rummaging for a brief moment before extracting a small brown flask. "I believe you boys studied Polyjuice Potion in training?" he murmured as he spun on his heel to face the two Aurors-in-training, eyebrow cocked expectantly.

James and Remus shared a skeptical look, clearly not grasping the insinuation the older man was making. "Of course we did, sir," Remus said carefully after a moment. "It's a basic part of training. Brewed correctly, Polyjuice can turn the drinker into the physical form of another, so long as DNA from the individual is obtained and added to the potion before consumption."

Charlus pointed at Remus and nodded. "Very good, Mr. Lupin," he said approvingly. "So who can turn into whom? Is it gender-specific? Can a man only turn into another man, and the same for women?"

"No," Remus said with a shake of his head. "Anyone can turn into any gen—" His eyes suddenly widened and his mouth fell open, quite comically gaping at Auror Potter as understanding finally dawned on him. "You can't be serious," he croaked after a moment.

"What is it?" James asked immediately, glancing between his friend and father with a burning curiosity in his eyes.

"I am _quite_ serious, Mr. Lupin," Charlus replied calmly despite his sharp eyes as he regarded Remus.

"You can't _possibly_ —you must have thought this through—"

"The reason I'm proposing this idea is _because_ I have thought it through," Charlus pressed. "I believe that this is the most ideal method to achieve our goal here. I don't see any other options without raising alarm and bringing much unwanted attention to the case when we hardly have enough hard evidence to warrant a full-scale Ministry investigation."

"Can someone tell me what the _bloody hell_ you two are talking about?" James exploded, glancing between his father and best friend irritably, clearly annoyed at being kept out of the loop.

Remus was silent for a long time as he stared at his superior, searching him intently before he slowly turned his gaze on James, abject horror glimmering in his eyes.

"Your father… he wants to use Polyjuice to disguise us as women so we can go undercover at Beauxbatons."

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 **A/N:** Hi! Alright so first chapter of my first story! First, thanks for getting this far at all. Seriously. You deserve a cookie. Second of all, I know Beauxbatons is a co-ed school, but for this story's purpose, I thought it would be better for it to be strictly all-girls. And I know that James' father's name is really Fleamont, but I like Charlus a hell of a lot more. I mean, Fleamont? _Really?_

Review please! Feedback of any kind is 100% appreciated.


	2. Hope in an Awful Plan

**Disclaimer:** Queen Rowling is queen for a reason. I'm a peasant for a reason. Do the math.

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The tension in the room was palpable. Remus' gaze had returned to Charlus, eyeing the older man as if he were trying to discern whether he had truly gone mad or not. The elder Potter, on the other hand, was simply watching the two younger men standing before him, patient enough to allow them to properly digest the information, yet clearly keen to get a jump on the assignment before they missed their chance. James, however, did not seem as if he were in any rush whatsoever; the young trainee seemed to be in a state of shock, glancing between Charlus and Remus as if he were hoping one of them would burst out laughing, like it was all one big joke.

"You—you're joking, yeah?" James finally managed, voice slightly shaky. He cleared his throat and tried again: "Please tell me this is just one big joke."

"Of course I'm serious," Charlus said calmly, moving to place the flask of Polyjuice down on his desk and perching himself carefully on the edge to face them. "This task is one that can only be entrusted with a handful of people, and as the two of you already know the details and will undoubtedly tell Sirius and Peter as soon as you leave, I see no reason not to use the four of you to our advantage."

"You don't use us because it's a bloody _horrid_ idea!" James exclaimed, tossing his hands up in the air. Honestly, what was his father _thinking?_ "How to hell do you even expect us to pull this off? You want four blokes straight out of school go _back_ to school—in a country we're hardly even familiar with, mind—and blend in with an _all-girls student body?_ It's completely mad!"

"Sir," Remus cut in carefully, pressing a calming hand to James' arm as he took a half-step forward, "it _does_ seem a bit mental. I mean, we don't even know if Sirius and Pete will even agree to going or not—"

"Which is why I would like you to go fetch them," Charlus cut in smoothly. _"Now."_

Remus snapped his mouth shut and hesitated for only a moment before he gave a careful nod and stepped back, turning on his heel and Disapparating with a soft _pop_ , leaving father and son alone in the suddenly all-too-quiet silence.

Fidgeting uncomfortably, James moved from the desk to stand by the fireplace, a position strategically far enough away from his father that he wouldn't be forced to look at him every time he looked up because, at that point, he wanted as little to do with the Potter family patriarch as possible. "What are you thinking?" he asked finally after a silence that seemed to have stretched on for hours, keeping his eyes locked on the embers burning low in the grate.

Mr. Potter heaved a heavy sigh and crossed his arms over his strong chest, eyes thoughtfully scanning his son for a long time before he murmured quietly, "I'm thinking that I trust you enough to pull off a mission as important as this one. I'm thinking that if anyone can handle living two completely different lives at the same time, you're the one for the job, son. And I _know_ that you're a good man, James. I know the problems that can easily arise with you constantly being surrounded by so many women, but I trust that you would never allow yourself to treat them with anything less than the respect your mother has drilled into your head. Am I right?"

James raised a hand to thread his fingers through his hair, twisting the soft black locks around his long fingers anxiously as he squinted down at the fire, the whole idea of the mission making him more than a little uncomfortable. He opened his mouth to respond, but was blissfully saved the trouble when a soft _pop_ sounded and Remus appeared by the door with two young men flanking him on either side.

James breathed a sigh of relief at the appearance of his friends and dropped the hand from his hair as he took a halting step towards them. "Has Moony told you as yet?" he asked the two men quietly, referencing the sandy haired man standing between them.

"Yeah, and I want to know why the bloody _fucking_ hell this is even a consideration!" Sirius, the taller of the two newcomers, snapped, grey eyes blazing as he looked between James and Charlus. "I'm all for spending time around birds, but this is just sodding _stupid_."

"Thank you for your opinion, Sirius," Charlus said dryly, "though I insist you sit down and actually let me _explain_ before you make your decision."

Sirius glared at the older man for a lengthy moment, hands balled into tight fists at his sides, very clearly considering either walking out or punching Mr. Potter in the jaw. James, always able to read his best friend like a book, moved to his side and firmly clamped a hand down on his shoulder. Sirius tensed the moment James touched him, eyes snapping over to meet the intent hazel ones staring back into his own. A million conversations seemed to pass between the two in the few moments they were staring at each other, before Sirius visibly relaxed and gave a terse nod as he turned his gaze back on Charlus. "Alright, then," he said finally, voice much more calm than it was before, though his eyes still sharp as ever as he crossed his muscular arms over his strong chest, eyebrow cocked expectantly. "Get on with it."

The corner of Charlus' mouth quirked upwards into a faint smile. "As you all know, this mission is a sensitive one," he said evenly, glancing briefly between each of the boys before his gaze finally rested on Sirius again. "Dozens of problems can arise from the public believing that there is a killer walking around a school, and with the mass panic over the Dark Lord's uprising, the last thing anyone wants are for people to think that a school as stable as Beauxbatons has been compromised. So, this mission is one that can only be entrusted to those immediately involved in order to minimize the risk of a leak, which in this case means James and Remus, and by extension, you and Peter, Sirius."

"I get that, but I still don't understand why you think it would be prudent for _us_ to go undercover at the school," Sirius insisted. "It seems like a bloody stupid idea."

"Let me finish," Charlus persisted. "We need to keep the number of people who are aware of the chance of the murderer being from Beauxbatons to a minimum, and I cannot risk anyone else becoming aware of this development. Would it be better for a woman to be involved in this? Of course it would. Am I particularly excited to be sending four nineteen-year-old boys into an all-girls school? No, not really, but as you four are the perfect age to be going back into a school environment and know exactly how to speak to women to get your way, I think you are our perfect shot to do the reconnaissance necessary to get the job done. "

"Sir," Peter, the shorter and squatter of the two newcomers, cut in uncertainly, glancing between Charlus and Sirius as if afraid he would get attacked by one of the alphas for interrupting. "Sir, I'm sorry, but I still don't understand. What is it _exactly_ that you want us to do at Beauxbatons?"

Mr. Potter glanced over at the smallest of the four men in front of him and said simply, "I want you to ask questions. I want you to ask the girls if they have heard of the murders, what they think of them, who they think did it. I want you to study their answers and expressions and body language, just as you learned in training. All in all, this mission should take little over a month to complete, if we're lucky. I doubt anyone at Beauxbatons is capable of committing these crimes, and we're probably going to have to go back to looking for leads somewhere else in the end. The only reason I'm really interested in checking the school is because we need to start ruling out possible suspects, and as Mr. Dulac was a caretaker at the school, it seems like a good place to start. Sending in people posing as students to gain the girls' trust is the most effective method to get answers out quickly."

The four boys glanced between each other uncertainly, all wearing similar expressions of confusion and weariness. "What if we refuse?" Remus asked quietly, to the surprise of all but Charlus, who seemed to have been expecting that question to crop up at some point.

"Nothing is stopping you from refusing and going back to your Auror training at the start of next month, boys," he said calmly. "You can tell me no and continue on as you were. However; as a reward for assisting me in this mission, the four of you will all be able to graduate from the training program a year in advance— _if_ , and only if, you participate in the mission to your full capabilities and the four of you do it _together."_

Four jaws fell to the ground at the same moment, expressions of shock and disbelief dominating the uncertainty and confusion they had been sporting before. "A _year?"_ Sirius echoed sharply.

"How—how could you _possibly_ be able to take off a full _year_ from our training?" Peter asked in hushed, awestruck tones, eyes wide with his overwhelming disbelief.

Charlus spread his hands. "I'm the Head of the Auror Department, Mr. Pettigrew," he murmured, a slight smirk curling the corner of his mouth. "I happen to have quite a lot of power."

The four men glanced between each other, communicating between themselves in a way that only the best of friends could. "I'll do it," James finally said quietly, posture tense as he leaned back against the bookcase, eyes never leaving his father's face. "If we only have to do it for a month, I'm in."

"A month at the _least_ ," Charlus reminded him.

"Yeah, but how much damage could a bird from _Beauxbatons_ , of all places, really cause?" Sirius countered. "We'll be out by the end of the month, and I'll be a full Auror before I'm 25. Couldn't ask for a better deal. I'm in, too."

"Me, too," Peter said quickly, glanced between James and Sirius and flashing them a nervous smile, forever anxious to win the approval of the two leaders of their group.

Remus pressed his lips into a hard, thin line, brow creased in deep thought as he considered all the options laid out before him. "You're certain we won't be found out?" he asked Charlus quietly, eyes holding a challenge as he asked the question he was surprised no one else had as yet.

Charlus gave a quick, sharp shake of his head, anxious to get the final of his son's friends to agree, as he knew full well that if one of the self-proclaimed Marauders were to back out, the rest would, as well. "I'll make sure of it," he said firmly. "No one in the school will be aware of your true identities."

Remus chewed the inside of his cheek uncertainly, clearly wavering on the edge of agreement and disagreement. Finally, after what seemed like a hard-fought internal battle, he sighed, shoulders slumping slightly in resignation as he nodded wearily and muttered, "Fine. When do we start?"

Charlus bit back a triumphant smile, the crinkling around his eyes the only outward indication of how _very_ overjoyed he was at the agreement. "We start as soon as possible," he said briskly, pushing himself to his feet and moving behind his desk, where he grabbed a fresh sheet of parchment and a quill and began scrawling out a quick letter. "The new school year starts in less than a week, so that only gives us a couple of days to iron out all the details with the school and get you boys prepped on how to act before you go off. James, Remus, you two are off for the rest of the night, and the only training you'll be attending in the next week will be pertaining to this mission."

"Brill," James said, hand jumping absently to his hair again as he watched his father quickly write out letter after letter and stack them in neat piles in the corner of his desk. "What training do we need, though? I mean, it isn't as if we're really going to need to go over defensive spells and plans of attack."

Charlus paused in his furious letter-writing and glanced up at his son. "James," he said slowly as if he were explaining something to a toddler, an amused expression crossing his face, "you're all going to be posing as a group of _women_. Believe it or not, defensive and offensive training is not the most important type you'll have to learn for this assignment."

James' ears turns bright pink and his fingers immediately tangled anxiously in his hair. "Oh." He cleared his throat and gave a sharp nod, trying to shake off his anxiety. "Well. I guess we should get started as quickly as possible, then."

Charlus rolled his eyes. "Go home, all of you," he ordered tiredly as he settled into the seat behind his desk, immediately returning to writing out his letters. "I want you all back in here by six o'clock sharp tomorrow morning, am I understood? You boys have a long day ahead of you."

A chorus of mumbled "yes, sirs" resounded as the group filed out of the office and made their way through the maze of desks and cubicles to the lifts.

Remus was the first to break the tense silence: "What the hell did we just agree to?"

"To a year off of Auror training, that's what," Sirius said brightly, slinging his arm casually across his friend's narrow shoulders. "Brighten up, Moony. This is the easiest assignment _ever._ We hang about a bunch of birds for a month, learn all their dark, dirty secrets, and come back at the end of the month and get back to working the case, because there is _no way_ that any prissy little French bird from _Beauxbatons_ is capable of committing murder."

"Sirius is right," James agreed quietly after a moment, a hard, determined look in his eyes. He was not about to be intimidated by the prospect of impersonating a woman, not if it meant he would be able to finish his training early. "It'll be over before you know it, and then we'll be out in the field doing what we're _really_ meant to be doing in the blink of an eye. It's a piece of cake."

At least, that was what he kept telling himself.

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 **A/N:** Chapter 2! I know this chapter is a bit of a drag, but I promise it's going to pick up with the next one, which I'm aiming to be up by the end of the month. Thank you for the lovely reviews on the last chapter! It really means a lot to me that people see the potential in this story.

Reviews would be a lovely treat.


	3. Pumps and Skirts

**A/N:** Just a quick little note before the chapter; some of you may have noticed that the rating of this story has changed from T to M, and that is because 1. sheer amount of swearing now involved in this fic (I'm looking at you, Sirius) and 2. I have no idea how heated things will turn out with Lily and James, so I would like to take the precautionary measure of the M rating just in case. I don't believe things with Jily will get so heated as to warrant a raised rating, but I don't want people expecting a T rated fic to click on my story and get offended by any content. The raised rating is, at the moment, purely for the excessive swearing.

Thank you for understanding.

 **Disclaimer:** If I were Jo, this story would be canon and not fanfiction.

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"Rise and shine!"

Blinding sunlight streamed in through the suddenly open windows of James' bedroom in the large flat he shared with the Marauders, his closed eyelids ablaze with red and orange and yellow. "What the—?" He sluggishly raised a hand to shield his eyes against the unwelcome light, curling into himself beneath the warm sheets of his bed

One impatient sigh and the loud clacking of heels against the wood floor later and the blanket was in a heap on the floor beside the bed, leaving James suddenly cold and exposed on the bed in only his pajama bottoms. "Bloody _fucking_ hell," he snapped irritably as his eyes flew open, forcing himself into a sitting position to find the source of the early morning distress.

Silhouetted against the windows was a slender woman squeezed into a black pencil skirt and deep red blouse that showed off her seasoned curves in a way that made James' eyebrows rise appreciatively, her long, perfectly curled dark brown hair secured in a low ponytail down her back. One perfectly manicured hand resting on a cocked hip in a way that perfectly translated her impatience as she stared down at James with a cocked eyebrow.

James' eyes seemed to comically bulge out of his skull as they raked over the stranger in his bedroom, practically salivating as she sauntered over to him and lowered herself so that she was eye-level with him, almost nose-to-nose. "If you aren't dressed and out of this room in five minutes, I'm going to burn your broomstick—and not the one on the wall," she breathed softly, lips quirking upwards into a devilish smile as James, whose eyes had fluttered shut as she neared him, shook himself into attention and gaped at her while she straightened and sashayed out of the room, hips swaying. "Four and a half!" she called lightly over her shoulder right before she slammed the door shut behind her.

James gaped at the closed door for a long moment, left speechless by the mystery woman who had entered his life not three minutes ago and was already ordering him around. _What the_ bloody hell _is going on?_ Suddenly remembering the time limit he had, James sighed as he jumped out of bed and tossed on a casual jumper and jeans.

After quickly running to the bathroom to brush his teeth, James grabbed his wand and stuffed it in his pocket on his way out into the living room, where he found Sirius, Remus and Peter all squished onto one of the two couches facing the fireplace that the mystery woman was standing in front of across from them with her slender arms crossed over her chest. Her midnight blue eyes ticked up to James as he entered the room and she smiled, giving him a look at her mouth full of pearly whites.

"Glad you can finally join us, James," she murmured, her sing-song voice ringing high and clear in the quiet apartment. "Two seconds longer and you would have been left without a means to play Quidditch—or something a bit more enjoyable. Please take a seat beside your mates."

He hesitated a moment then sighed and shuffled towards the couch, practically forcing Peter into Sirius' lap as he squished himself in between the former and the arm of the couch.

"Are you going to tell us who the fuck you are now?" Sirius bit out viciously, clearly irritated at being bossed around by someone he didn't even know.

"Language," the woman sang absently. She paused for a moment to allow her eyes to light on each of the boys' faces, then uncrossed her arms and instead folded them behind her back as she slowly strode forward, the clacking of her sky-high heels on the floors the only sound penetrating the still air. "My name is Adelina Markham. I'm a former student of Beauxbatons and have only recently secured the position as Auror Potter's secretary at the Ministry. He told me about this mission that the four of you are to embark on next week, and he figured the best instructor for how to pose as a student at Beauxbatons Academy is someone who was _actually_ a student there."

The boys were stunned into silence, sharing a look of incredulity with each other. "Dad told _you_ about this?" James finally managed to spit out. "But—but I've never even _seen you_ before! I thought this mission was supposed to be need-to-know."

"It is," Adelina agreed with a roll of his eyes, "and clearly _I_ need to know. Now shut it and let me finish."

James' mouth snapped shut purely out of surprise as the girl's boldness, bringing a bright smile to her plump lips as she continued. "Now. Auror Potter and I were up late last night scouring London and looking for appropriate women for you four to impersonate. It took a bit of work, but we've managed to find good candidates and take enough hair to last to the end of the month. We've procured two vats of Polyjuice and the hairs have already been added to four small vials of the potion. It doesn't matter who takes on which identity, so don't get upset if someone ends up with better hair or bigger boobs than you, alright?"

"Now hold on just one bloody second." Sirius pushed himself to his feet and crossed the space to where Adelina stood by the fire, one dark eyebrow raised as she looked up to meet Sirius' blazing gaze. "Charlus told us that _no one else_ would know about this, so _why—"_

"He never said that no one else will know," she cut across him calmly. "He said that the circle needs to be kept as small as possible, and he's only expanding it to include those absolutely essential to this assignment, namely me."

Sirius' jaw clenched irritably. "And why are we doing this _here?"_ he pressed quietly after a moment, too stubborn to let his anger go unsatisfied. "Who the hell let you in, anyway?"

Adelina rolled her eyes. "I'm a _witch_ , Black," she said flatly, as if the answer should have been obvious. "Auror Potter tasked me with teaching you four sods how to act like proper ladies, and to do it as soon as possible. So I figured that as he had already told you to be up, I might as well go along with it—and to do it somewhere private, since we'll be working all day. Now shut it and sit down so I can give you your Polyjuice. We're working on a deadline, you know."

"Padfoot," James called quietly, stifling a yawn. "Just sit down so we can get this over with, mate."

Sirius' hands balled into fists at his sides as he turned sharply on his heel and moved back to sit on the arm of the couch obediently, though muttering obscenities under his breath as he did so.

Adelina gave a sharp nod of approval and swiped the four flasks she had lined up on top of the mantle as she crossed to the couch, giving one out to each of the boys. "Bottoms up," she said lightly, smirk curling the corner of her mouth as she watched the Marauders exchange uncertain looks with each other before reluctantly taking a swig of the potion.

The effect was instantaneous: immediately, the boys' skin began to bubble as if boiling as their proportions began to change, each becoming significantly shorter and slimmer, their hair either lengthening down their backs or shortening to a pixie cut. Facial features became softer and less pronounced, and chests swelled so that even the clothing that was now huge on each boy could not completely disguise the change.

"Bloody Merlin!" Where wild, untamed, womanizer Sirius Black had been sitting a moment before now sat a comely, pale seventeen-year-old girl with dirty blonde hair cropped close to her head, which just managed to poke out the top of the giant grey t shirt the nineteen-year-old had chosen to wear. That, accompanied by the sudden change in height and weight made Sirius lose his balance on the couch arm and tumble into Remus' lap, eliciting a high-pitched shriek from the tiny brunette, his short light brown hair elongated to soft waves ending mid-back. His small hands jumped to clamp over his mouth, electric blue eyes wide with shock at the sound he had made. A soft giggle beside him made all heads turn in the direction of the admittedly awkward-looking girl where quiet Peter had been sat. His thinned mousy brown hair now sat in heaps of black on his head, the wild curls plentiful as he irritably tried to push it out of his acne-ridden face. The last of the girls sat at the end of the couch, examining her slim, pianist fingers as if she— _he_ —had never seen them before. Slowly, James looked up to get a good look at his friends, his usually messy black hair now hanging in one long sheet down his back, gently curling halfway down so that it lightly tickled the small of his back. The dark blue jumper he had donned earlier now hung limply off his tenderly curvy figure, and the rectangular spectacles he was so accustomed to wearing sat forgotten at the bridge of his nose, everything crystal clear without them for the first time that he could remember.

"Well, don't you all just look _beautiful,"_ Adelina cooed, not even bothering to her amusement as Sirius turned to glare at her and the other three blushed self-consciously.

"Shut it, Markham," Sirius snapped viciously, though as he now spoke in tinkling tones, it had considerably less bite. He carefully pushed himself up into a sitting position on Remus' lap, attempting to get accustomed to his new bodily proportions. Remus uncertainly pressed a hand to his back to help him up, but as Sirius swatted him away irritably in his haste to get up, he tripped on his now-oversized jeans and reached out to grab the other boy's shoulders to stabilize himself.

Remus sighed and pressed his own small hands carefully to Sirius' narrow shoulders to gently push him into a standing position. Not yet as sure on his feet as he would like to be, Sirius held tightly to his friend's thin shoulders as he forced himself to stand, hands absently sliding down the other boy's chest as he straightened until he hit two large bumps and frowned, looking up to find that he was groping his friend's newly acquired breasts. Remus' eyes widened and he shrieked again as he looked up at Sirius, who was staring down at him with not a look of horror, but with the thoughtful creasing of his brow as he gave an experimental squeeze. "Mate, you have a nice rack," he said appreciatively after a moment.

Remus' cheeks flamed as he gave Sirius a hard shove back. "You're mad, Padfoot," he snapped, crossing his thin arms over his chest and curling into himself a little.

Sirius ignored him. "Prongs, mate, your tits are _huge!"_ he exclaimed, eyes bugging as they landed on James' full rack.

The man—girl?—in question glanced down, eyebrows spiking as he took in the full volume of his breasts beneath his jumper. He reached up to cup the swell of his chest and squeezed thoughtfully, almost fondling them. "Why can't I have a rack like that?" Sirius whined, lip involuntarily sliding out into a pout as he looked up at Adelina, who was very clearly trying hard not to laugh at the scene before her. "Prongs, let's switch potions."

"No way," James scoffed, smirk curling his lip as he looked up at Sirius. "I've got the nicest hair _and_ the biggest tits. Switch with Pete if you don't like how you look."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "As if I'd want to be the fat bird," he snorted.

"Hey!" Peter exclaimed, hands on his hips as he glared up at Sirius. "I'm not _fat_ , Padfoot. I'm _curvy."_

" _I'm_ curvy," Sirius corrected absently as he moved to examine himself in the mirror. "You're just fat."

"Ladies!" Adelina said loudly before a catfight could break out. "I told you whichever potion you take is the appearance you're stuck with, so deal with it. So. Now that you have your new face, it's time for some new clothes, too." She pulled her wand out of the waistband of her skirt and flicked it, conjuring a large duffel bag out of thin air and levitating it onto the coffee table. "You're going to have to get used to the Beauxbatons uniform, so we got four pairs in your sizes that you're to wear at all times while I'm here."

James glanced up at Adeline and raised an eyebrow. "How hard is it to get used to a shirt and skirt?" he asked skeptically.

Adelina rolled her eyes but otherwise did not acknowledge the comment as she unzipped the duffel bag, extracting four neatly folded piles of blue clothing and handing one set to each girl. "Put them on," she instructed. " _All_ of it. Call me if you need any help."

"I know how to dress myself, Markham," Sirius scoffed, grabbing his bundle of clothes and heading off to his bedroom, hips rolling with every step.

Laughter burst softly from her full lips. "I give him five minutes before he gives up and asks for help," she said absently as she moved to the kitchen to fix herself a cup of coffee while the remaining three slowly filed away to their own rooms to change.

James shut the door behind him and crossed to his bed to put his clothes down before moving to the full-length mirror behind his door to get a glimpse of his new appearance. _Merlin. Sirius wasn't lying when he said I have big tits_ , he thought as his wide eyes dropped immediately to his breasts, their sheer volume discernible even beneath the clunky material of his jumper. After a moment of ogling himself, James tore his gaze away from his chest to give himself an appreciative once-over from head to toe. He was _hot_ ; smoldering brown eyes deep-set in a narrow face with full lips and a smooth, softly curved jawline, James was completely taken aback by just how purely _attractive_ he was, with long, chocolatey brown hair falling in sheets of almost princess-like curls down to the small of his back.

"Merlin," he breathed in a voice so smooth it was almost sultry, raising one lightly tanned hand to touch his soft, smooth cheek in awe. "I would date me."

" _Markham!"_

"Yes, Black?"

"Help me get this bloody bra on!"

"Of course, but only because I'm hoping the potion will wear off so I can see big bad Sirius Black in a _bra_."

James gave a soft giggle at the conversation outside his door, then sighed as he turned back to face his reflection. More curious than ever after seeing what his _face_ looked like, James tugged down the jeans that were already hanging entirely too low on his hips, then reached for the hem of his jumper and tugged it up over his head, impatiently swatting away the hair that stuck to his face.

"Bloody _Merlin!"_

He was practically salivating as he took in his full appearance, chest even fuller than he first suspected now that it was hanging out in the open, his stomach flat without being unhealthy and hips rolled into soft curves that just qualified him to be comely.

"How the _fuck_ am I this fit?" he muttered breathily, his small hands sliding over every curve of his body, exploring the new body in a way akin to how he would with his nightly conquests.

"Hurry up, Potter!" Adelina called after a few minutes, rapping her knuckles against the door and making James jump, blushing as he realised what, exactly, he had been doing.

Raising a hand to tangle absently in his hair, James crossed to the bed and pinched the pair of simple black lace knickers neatly laid on top of the pile of clothing between two fingers and inspected them uncertainly. Wrinkling his nose, James reluctantly removed his boxers and replaced them with the knickers, wriggling into them as he attempted to adjust to the new sensation of such close-fitting undergarments. Next, he grabbed the simple white bra and placed the cups on his chest, then grabbed both sides of the clasp and brought them behind his back in a manner he had watched one too many girls do in the mornings while they thought he was sleeping. After blindly fiddling with the ends for several minutes, he finally managed to affix them together with the clasp, grinning with triumph as he slid the straps up his arms.

Reaching out, he next grabbed a simple shimmery silver blouse and tugged it on, the buttons on the opposite side than what he was used to tripping him up for a minute. He then took hold of a light blue pleated skirt with dark blue trim and tugged it up onto his hips. He paused for a minute after the skirt, swaying his hips experimentally and giggling as the hem swished gently around his thighs. After the fun, he grabbed the sky blue blazer and shrugged into it, slim fingers running down the dark blue satin trim along the lapels. Finally, he grabbed the charcoal grey knee highs and tugged them up his slender legs and then grabbed the sky blue slanted hat and placed it neatly atop his head.

Grinning proudly to himself at his accomplishment, James exited the bedroom and moved to stand in the living room where everyone was waiting for him, spreading his hands as he faced Adelina. "Well?" he asked expectantly. "Surprised, yeah?"

She raised an eyebrow as her eyes lowered to scrutinize the uniform, nodding slowly in approval. "I am," she confirmed after a moment. "You don't look half bad, Potter. The only thing is you'll be the biggest prude in the school if you're in seventh year and still wear the skirt at your hips. Here." She strode forward and took hold of the waistband of James' skirt, hiking it up so that it now rested securely at his bellybutton, the hem hitting mid-thigh. "Perfect."

"Fuck, Prongs," Sirius muttered as Adelina stepped back, gaping up at his friend. "You're _hot."_

James smirked and flashed him a wink. "Want a piece, Padfoot?" he asked coyly as he cocked his hip and innocently twirled a long lock of hair around his finger.

Sirius winced. "It's creepy that you're so good at that."

Adelina rolled her eyes. "If you two are done flirting, there's one more thing you need to be able to get through the gates at Beauxbatons." She reached under the coffee table and extracted two pairs of sky blue pumps, smirking down at the foursome before her who had all paled at the sight of the shoes.

"No way," Remus immediately squeaked, shaking his head quickly, his light brown hair tumbling over his shoulders in waves. "I'm not wearing those _death traps,_ Adelina. I know the Beauxbatons uniform, and they don't wear shoes like those."

"Those below fifth year don't wear heels this high," she corrected calmly. "Fifth years and up are required to change from kitten heels to five inch pumps. If you haven't guessed already, Beauxbatons does more than teach Charms and Potions; it's an academy to change awkward girls into fierce young women through every aspect of their being, _including_ the shoes you wear. Now come here and take a pair."

Remus eyed them with obvious trepidation, clearly unwilling to put them on, but Adelina simply rolled her eyes and tossed the shoes at him. He shrieked as he scrambled at catch them before the slim heel impaled something, glaring at Adelina as he reluctantly lowered himself onto the couch and slipped his small feet into the pumps.

Adelina turned to the remaining three. "Are you going to put them on by yourselves, or do I have to shove your feet into them?"

James, Sirius and Peter exchanged uncertain looks with each other, the prospect of walking around with their feet five inches off the ground more daunting than Quidditch in a snowstorm. Finally, James bottled his Gryffindor courage and sighed, reluctantly grabbing a pair of heels from the three lined up under the coffee table and moving to sit beside Remus and slip his feet into them. Sirius soon followed, leaving Peter simply standing in the middle of the living room, sweating nervously as he stared at the shoes.

"Just do it, Pete," James encouraged wearily as he looked up at his friend. "Get it over with."

"I—I can't," he squeaked, anxiously toying with the hem of his skirt.

"What the hell's going on?" Sirius asked impatiently, his friend's anxiety completely taking him by surprise. "Just put the bloody shoes on, Wormtail."

Adelina bit her lip to hide her smile and laid one slim hand on her cocked hip, crooking a finger towards Peter. "Come here, Peter," she murmured softly, sweetly.

His eyes ticked up to Adelina and he swallowed hard, her smooth, alluring confidence making him all the more nervous. She cocked one perfectly groomed eyebrow and twitched her finger again, causing his splotchy cheeks to flush with red as he reluctantly waddled forward, feet spread apart until he almost looked like a crab walking towards her.

"Peter, what's going on with you?" Remus asked, soft voice pitched high with surprise as he took in the incredulous scene before him.

Adeline let out a breathy giggle and shook her head in amusement as Peter came to a stop before her. "You're going to have to learn to walk normally like this, you know," she sighed as she handed him the pumps. His head ducked in embarrassment as he turned to shuffle back towards the couch, and she looked over his shoulder at the three boys watching their friend with matching looks of incredulity. "Peter's on his period," she clarified absently for them as she bent over to ruffle through the duffel bag.

The boys' eyes widened and snapped up to Peter, who had frozen in front of the couch, his face beet red with mortification. "He's on his— _what?"_ James stammered, absolutely horrified.

"How is that even _possible?"_ Remus demanded, glancing sharply between Adelina and Peter.

"You four are _women_ now," she said slowly when she glanced up at them, as if she were explaining to children why they have to eat their vegetables. "Your biological makeup has completely changed. You lot now have the capacity to have your period. And don't go running about shagging every bloke in sight, either; you can get pregnant if you aren't careful."

Sirius blanched. "I did _not_ sign up for this," he muttered, face scrunched up in disgust as he stared up at Peter. "You alright, Wormy?"

He gave a small nod as he delicately lowered himself onto the couch, giving a small sigh of relief as he spread his legs wide and leaned back comfortably against the cushions

"Close your legs, Peter," Adelina immediately admonished sharply. "Ladies don't sit like that. You'll get into trouble if a professor ever catches you sitting with your legs spread so wide."

Peter frowned and looked up at her. "It feels— _weird_ to have my legs touching," he admitted quietly. "It hurts a little."

"Bloody hell," James squeaked in surprise. "Is that what I have to look forward to?"

"Only if you're unlucky enough to start bleeding." Adelina waved away James' look of abject horror impatiently. "Enough about this. I showed Peter how to put on and take out a tampon, so he'll have to help the rest of you when you get your period—"

" _What?"_ Sirius shot to his feet in anger, which was quite a mistake as he was wearing his heels, and he immediately tipped over and fell face-first into the ground, his skirt flying up in the back to reveal a pair of hot pink lace underwear.

"Nice knickers, mate," James snickered, grinning when Sirius shot him a withering glare.

Adelina rolled her eyes. "And _that_ is why we need to get moving on your training," she said primly. "Get up, all of you, and walk to the door and back."

"Not if I'm going to start falling like Sirius," James snorted, rolling his eyes as he sat back and crossed his slim arms over his swollen chest.

She cocked an eyebrow and glanced down thoughtfully as her gaze met his defiant one. "Okay," she murmured softly. She absently slid her wand out from its home in her skirt waistband and flicked it once, sending a small, thin white object shooting out from the duffel back and soaring up the hem of James' skirt. Immediately he dissolved into a high-pitched scream of pain, grabbing Remus' arm in a vice-like grip as brought his legs up to his chest and curled into himself.

Remus' eyebrows shot up in alarm at the sudden show of pain and reached out with his free hand to touched James' back lightly in concern. "Prongs?" he asked urgently. "Prongs, what's the matter?"

"What the _fuck_ did you do to him?" Sirius demanded furiously, pushing himself to his feet despite the heels and glaring murderously at Adelina.

"Nothing," she murmured dismissively, a devilish smile curling the corners of her mouth. "Just shot a tampon into him at the speed of a racing broom. Now if the rest of you don't _get the hell up_ and start following my instructions, I'll make sure you'll have tampons stuck in each of you when you change back into blokes. Am I understood?"

"Do what she says!" James squeaked, leaning heavily on Remus as he obediently rose to his feet.

The others quickly followed suit and Adelina smiled. "Good girls," she murmured in approval, earning a murderous glare from Sirius which she replied with an coy wink. "Now, I want your backs straight and chins high as you walk to the front door."

Slowly, as if they were toddlers just learning how to walk, the foursome unsteadily inched towards the front door, James and Peter attempting to help each other with their respective disabilities while Sirius and Remus wobbled forward like a pair of grannies with broken hips, the former dramatically crying out "ow! Ow!" with every step.

"Potter! Pettigrew! Back straight!" Adelina barked as she crossed to pair and ripped them apart. She pressed one hand to the small of James' back and placed the other right above his chest, forcing his spine into alignment and then moving to do the same to Peter. "Black, shut up before I force a tampon so far in you you'll be pregnant!"

"I'd prefer it if you kept the flirting to a minimum while I'm like this, Markham," he quipped, trying to force himself to stand up straight while he inched forward.

Adelina rolled her eyes and moved back to delicately perch herself on the couch as she watched the boys struggle. "This is going to be a long day," she sighed to herself.

" _Fuck."_

"Long, but entertaining," she amended absently as she watched Sirius rub the newly forming bump on his head irritably and push himself back to his feet, midnight eyes sparkling with mirth.

* * *

After almost three hours simply walking up and down the flat, the boys had all perfected walking with pumps, and it was then that Adelina had moved them on to their next challenge: sitting. She spent over an hour just sitting with the boys in the living room, sometimes going for twenty minutes without talking to scrutinize the way they sat, whether their legs were appropriately crossed or folded delicately to the side or if they reverted back to man-spreading when they were bored. After she was satisfied they were sitting like proper ladies for longer than a few minutes, she spent the remaining portion of the evening teaching the boys the one thing they were all least looking forward to: how to handle their periods. Using Sirius as an example, as his many and constant complaints had long since started grating on her nerves, she removed his skirt and forced the boys to watch as Sirius unsuccessfully attempted multiple times to insert his tampon before he finally managed the task to the effect of a loud fit of cursing. After he had quieted down, she told him how to remove it, then forced Remus to do the same thing in private, much to the chagrin of Sirius.

"Alright, ladies, good work today," Adelina said brightly as the foursome lowered themselves carefully onto the couch at the end of the day, immediately positioning their legs appropriately. "I want you all up, potion taken, and fully dressed by the same time tomorrow. Am I understood?"

"Yes, Adelina," they sang in unison, a response she had scared them into after she had taken Sirius' broom and stuck the end in the roaring fireplace when he had sworn at her in response to a question.

Her smile lit up the room. "Goodnight, girls," she murmured, crossing to each and pressing a light kiss to each of their cheeks. "That's a custom in Beauxbatons," she added absently as she moved to gather her belongings. "It's considered rude if you don't kiss your classmate of both cheeks the first time you see her for the day, and if you have time after you finish a conversation and don't. So. Turn to the person next to you and kiss her on both cheeks," she ordered lightly.

The boys looked at each other and blanched. "They may _look_ like birds, but don't think I've forgotten that they're still blokes under the skirts and tits," Sirius said in disgust. "I'm _not_ kissing them."

"Sirius, do you want me to _actually_ burn your broom this time?" Adelina sighed, looking up at him wearily.

"Go ahead," he challenged, a hard look in his bright green eyes. "I could use a newer model."

Adelina straightened and raised an eyebrow at the challenge, considering Sirius for a moment before she shrugged. "Alright," she conceded, crossing her arms loosely over her chest. "You win; I won't harm your broomstick. I'll just force another batch of Polyjuice down Peter's throat and make him sleep while on his period. Have you ever slept while blood is spurting from between your legs, Sirius? It's not fun, and I would just _hate_ for poor Peter to have to go through that ordeal all because you won't give Remus a, itsy bitsy little kiss."

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop; Sirius glared furiously up at Adelina, who was staring down at him with the most innocent of expressions though a hard glint to her dark eyes.

Letting out a growl of impatience, Sirius turned towards Remus and, ignoring his trepidation, leaned in and brushed the barest of kisses of each of his cheeks. "Happy?" he snapped as he pulled back, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"No," she said flatly, rolling her eyes. "You hardly even touched his cheek. You have to actually _kiss him_ , Black, and you have to do the same to Sirius when he leans in, Remus."

Sirius' jaw flexed, gaze murderous despite the delicate features it was coming from. "Sirius," Remus sighed, pressing a calm hand to his shoulder. "Just get it over with, mate. If we're to go through with this assignment, we'll have to do it more than this once, anyways."

Sirius refused to move, so Remus sighed and reached up to grab his friend's face, firmly kissing both of his cheeks and tugging irritably on his hair until he reciprocated the action.

Adelina raised an eyebrow as the pair finally pulled away from each other a minute later, cheeks deeply flushed as they shifted uncomfortably away from each other. "Your turn." She glanced at James and Peter expectantly, watching as their cheeks heated at they glanced uncertainly at each other.

 _Might as well get it done and over with._ James leaned in and lightly brushed a kiss to Peter's right cheek, then his left, sharply pinching his pudgy side to get him to do the same on James' own cheeks.

"Good girls," Adelina murmured approvingly, smirking down at the foursome before her. "Every morning when I get here and every night before I leave I want that done, am I understood?"

"Yes, Adelina." A low rumble of a response caused heads to turn in Sirius' direction, watching as he began to grow in size and his hair elongated to its normal shoulder-length, curly state, face sharpening and eyes returning to their regular mysterious, stormy grey. Within ten seconds, Sirius was back to normal and he let out a whoop of happiness, adjusting the white t shirt and sweats Adelina had allowed him to change into an hour back in preparation to their returning to their old selves.

" _Finally,"_ he sighed, kicking his feet up on the coffee table and lounging back against the cushions, smirking up at Adelina. "Looks like your reign of terror has come to a close for tonight, Markham. Don't let the door hit your flat arse on the way out."

Adelina rolled her eyes and grabbed the now-empty duffel bag, using it to knock Sirius' feet off the coffee table as she slung it over her shoulder. "One day down, Black," she reminded him. "Keep in mind, it gets _much_ worse from here. _Bonne nuit."_ And with that, she turned on her heel and Disapparated with a sharp _pop_.

"Good riddance," Sirius muttered with a roll of his eyes, placing his feet back up on the coffee table. "I dunno if I can deal with her for a full week. I might just go mad."

"As opposed to how _completely_ sane you are normally?" Remus asked dryly, pleasantly surprised to find that his voice had returned to normal as well, his body quickly following suit until he was back to his old gangly self.

Sirius glanced at him. "Back to normal then, Moony? You were actually pretty cute as a bird, mate. Almost didn't mind kissing you."

Remus snorted as he rose to his feet and moved to the kitchen to fix himself a cuppa. "Sure," he scoffed. "Because all that whining was _surely_ just a show."

"Are we not going to talk about what we just went through?" James demanded incredulously, reaching for his glasses and shoving them onto the bridge of his strong nose, his eyesight having reverted back to its nearly blind condition after the potion wore off. "Markham's _mental_. How the hell does she expect us to learn all this in a _week?"_

"By burning our brooms and threatening us with tampons, that's how," Sirius said flatly.

"Do _not_ talk about tampons," Peter muttered, shuddering involuntarily as he adjusted his jeans on his hips, fixing them so that they sat at a more comfortable position that they did when he was still a girl. "I never want to see another one in my _life."_

Sirius snorted. "If you want that year off of training, you'll have to put up with a lot more than just one," he reminded him.

Peter blanched. "I don't know if this is all worth it anymore," he admitted. "Adelina's a nightmare."

"She is," Remus agreed carefully, "but probably just because she was included in the _very_ tight circle your dad set up, Prongs, and she doesn't want to disappoint him. I mean, she's only _just_ secured her secretary position, right? Wouldn't she want to prove that she's worth more than just that?"

The boys fell silent at that, and Remus ploughed on before anyone could stop him. "We need to keep this up, mates. Not just for the year off, but because of how important this whole assignment is. We could find something at Beauxbatons that will lead us to the murderer, and just imagine how many innocent lives that would save. It's worth putting up with all this Polyjuice nonsense if we can do some good in the end."

The room was thoughtfully silent for several long moments before Sirius sighed and looked up at James. "So, Prongs, when we do that kissing thing tomorrow morning, can I just squeeze your tits instead?"

"Shut up, Sirius."

* * *

 **A/N:** Bloody Merlin! I didn't expect this chapter to be the beast that it is! First off, I know that I changed up the Beauxbatons uniform quite a bit, but to be quite honest, I hated their portrayal in the movies. I was combing through Beauxbatons fan art and I played off some ideas I found there.

Apologies for those instances where a scene could have been funnier and wasn't. I'm fairly new to comedy writing and my style is still developing. Hopefully I'll get better as time goes on.

But here you have it: female Marauders! I really need to get a start on developing the names for their alter-egos, because I'm absolutely wretched with names (my most cherished childhood stuffed animal was a lamb named Lamby. Yup.) Any suggestions left via the comments would be absolutely incredible.

Reviews are ice cream on a hot summer day.


	4. My Type of School

**Disclaimer:** Jo is Rowlin away because I'm feminizing her characters. Oops.

* * *

The week leading up to the first day of school passed in a whir of makeup and clothes and disciplinary actions on Adelina's part. Once having all agreed to behave in order to get training over and done with as quickly as possible, Adelina was able to effectively transform the four testosterone-fueled Marauders into rather feminine seventeen year old girls—a feat she took a considerable amount of pride in, and for good reason.

On September first, however, the stress levels in the flat were at an all-time high, starting the moment Adelina burst into the flat at the crack of dawn to the minute Charlus Potter Apparated into the living room a mere half hour before the boys were due to Floo over to the Gare du Nord to board what Adelina described as the Beauxbatons equivalent of the Hogwarts Express.

"Your mother always wanted a girl, you know," Charlus chuckled as he reached out to lightly muss James' long black hair, tied back into a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck. "I suppose her wish has come true."

James scowled and jerked away, smoothing out his chocolaty brown locks. "I'd better get a raise for this," he muttered darkly. "I'm not wearing a bra and knickers just for kicks, mind."

Charlus rolled his eyes. "Because a year off of Auror training isn't _nearly_ enough incentive." He took a step back, thick arms crossing over his strong chest as he surveyed the gaggle of girls before him. "You did a good job with them, Markham," he murmured thoughtfully after a moment. "They may actually be able to pull this off."

Adelina flushed and broke into a wide smile. "Thank you, sir," she said primly, the praise washing over her in waves, eyes sharp as she turned to shoot the Marauders a look that clearly said _Don't screw this up._

Sirius leaned back against the wall and crossed his pale arms over his chest, thin eyebrow cocked as he locked eyes with Charlus. "What do we do when we get to the school?"

"Like I said before, Sirius, I want you to ask questions," Charlus said evenly, all humour washed from his expression as he flipped into full Auror-mode. "See what they know about the murders, and study their body language and tone of voice, just as you learned in training, to determine if they are lying or not. Ask about Mr. Dulac and try to get as much information about him as possible; we need to start making connections between the victims and determine the motive behind his murder, as well as thin out our suspect pool."

"So you want us to become social," Remus surmised thoughtfully. "Gain the girls' trust and determine who amongst them, if anyone, was involved with or knows anything about the murders."

" _Exactly_ ," Charlus said with a sharp nod of approval. "So." He clapped his hands together and grinned at the girls before him. "Who's ready for France?"

* * *

A quick trip via Floo landed the Marauders in a crowded train station in central France, Adelina quickly leading the way to the secret entrance to the train platform, mindful of the fact that they were cutting it rather close with only fifteen minutes until noon, when the train was meant to depart.

"Come along, girls!" she chimed hurriedly, murmuring quick words of _pardon_ and _excusez-moi_ to the many strangers she pushed through in her haste to get to the platform.

"D'you reckon she'd be this nice if her boss wasn't five steps behind her?" Sirius muttered in James' ear as they rushed through the station, struggling to keep their trolleys from veering off into some poor passer-by.

James smirked. "Of course she would," he snorted. "Now that she's out in _public_ , she'll be a bloody saint. She's only a monster when we're alone. Just like every other bird."

Sirius grinned. "I'll drink to that," he chuckled.

Adelina came to an abrupt halt a moment later, the boys following her almost falling over in their designated Beauxbatons pumps as they dug their heels into the tile to stop themselves from bumping into her. "Is this the entrance?" Peter asked in confusion, looking up at long stretch of wall before them, out of the way of the heavy foot traffic crowding the Gare du Nord.

"Lupin!" Adelina snapped suddenly, spinning around on her heel and turning to the boy in question, who looked startled by the sudden attention. "You seem to be the smartest out of the lot. You'll go first, so pay attention." Without waiting to see if he was watching, Adelina extracted her wand from the pocket of her robes and lightly brushed the tip over the rough brick in the outline of a large X, the length of the arms extending to cover four bricks at a time. She took a step back and a moment later, where she appeared to drawn a large X glowed ever so slightly to show that it was, in fact, the outline of two crossed wands.

Remus raised his eyebrows as the wall seemed to disappear a moment later, revealing a bustling train platform on the other side. Adelina gave him a sharp look as she stepped through the passageway, and a moment later, the wall reappeared. Mindful of the ten minutes they had left until the train departed, Remus quickly followed Adelina's steps, rushing through the barrier when it appeared. The other four men followed suit, with Peter taking two tries to get the inscription right.

"Girls!" Adelina called once everyone was on the platform, gesturing frantically to the train. _"Hurry up!"_

"Yeah, well, it's hard to run in these bloody heels," Sirius muttered darkly, pulling his wand out of the waistband of his skirt and irritably levitating his trunk aboard the train, kicking aside the trolley that had impeded their rush to the platform.

"James!" The man in question spun around as his three friends rushed onto the train, Adelina snapping after them her final words of wisdom. Charlus pushed through the crowd and placed a hand on his son's now-thin shoulder, bending slightly to come to eye-level with James' smoldering brown orbs. "Remember what I said about treating the women, son," he said quietly, firmly. "The last thing I need is a Howler about harassment going off on me in the middle of work. You're at this school for a _mission_ ; that's _it_."

James rolled his eyes. "I _know_ ," he murmured evenly, flashing his father an angelic smile. "Don't worry. Do you really think I'll try anything like _this?"_ He gestured to his comely body, skirt lightly dancing around his thighs. "I'll be fine, dad." The final whistle for the train blew at that moment, and James' thin eyebrows shot up. "I'll see you!" he called as he spun on his heel and rushed towards the steam engine, just jumping into the open door of a car as it pulled out of the station, bracing himself as he waved goodbye to his father along with the hoards of women shrieking out farewells to loved ones for a long, hard month ahead.

* * *

The train ride passed in much the same way as the boys' previous rides to Hogwarts: with several games of Exploding Snap and wizard's chess, along with an abundance of sweets from the trolley and healthy banter about who was a shoe-in to win the year's Quidditch World Cup (" _Italy couldn't win if the other team was blindfolded!" "So what? Have you_ seen _Americans play Quidditch? A right embarrassment, if you ask me.")_

When the cobalt steam engine (which they found out, from what looked to be a second year, was actually called _La Dame Bleue)_ finally came to a halt later that evening, the boys found themselves ushered out and into one of the many spacious carriages pulled by two stunning snowy white horses, their manes silvery as moonlight.

" _Crikey!"_ Peter exclaimed as he looked out the small window, eyes wide as saucers as they locked onto what looked to be a cluster of grand white buildings gilded in gold that sparkled like little rays of sunshine in the light of the setting sun. " _This_ is Beauxbatons? No wonder why French birds are never impressed by us."

"Speak for yourself," Sirius snorted, but nonetheless shifted over to the window so he could get a look at the impressive school which looked like it hadn't been changed since the French Revolution, the tall turrets looking out over a luscious green courtyard and glittering lake, the aged white stone coloured pink and purple and orange by the sun setting low over the horizon. "I can get used to living here," he sighed, sitting back against the plush carriage seat and eyeing up the castle with glittering eyes.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Well, don't," he advised flatly. "We won't be here for longer than a month, remember? So unless you enjoy wearing knickers and heels, I would suggest avoiding getting too comfortable here."

"Way to kill the mood, Moony," Sirius muttered bitterly, sticking his tongue out at his friend as the carriage came to a rolling stop.

The four men _very_ carefully climbed down to the gravel path beneath, mindful of the disadvantage five inch heels and short skirts lent in such a situation—however, true to his nature, Peter missed the last step on the descent, letting out a yelp of surprise as he was sent tumbling to the ground.

A sharp peal of laughter put an end to the snorts of amusement sounding from the three boys watching their friend attempt to rise to his feet without flashing his knickers.

"Maybe if you lay off the bouillabaisse, you wouldn't be flopping around like a fish out of water," giggled an attractively curvy blonde as she passed by Peter, smirking coolly down at the boy as he flushed deeply and uncomfortably pushed himself to his feet with Remus' offered assistance, the group of girls following behind her cackling mindlessly along with her.

Sirius and James shared a skeptical look, clearly amused with the girl's sudden presence. "And maybe if you lay off the makeup, you wouldn't _look_ like a fish," the former offered sweetly to the blonde, flashing a wink as her cool blue eyes flashed with anger at the jibe.

"You're one to talk, _monsieur_ ," she shot back, crossing her thin arms over her chest, tossing her platinum curls over a shoulder and missing the brief look of panic that crossed all the boys' faces. "You got the memo that this is an _all girls'_ school, yeah? Take your nine-year-old boy haircut and enroll in Hogwarts."

All four boys breathed small sighs of relief, their heart rates returning to normal as they realized that their cover was still perfectly intact. Sirius opened his mouth to spit back a retort, but was swiftly cut off by a third voice.

"Don't confuse her with one of your customers, Tallet," came the light retort of a petite blonde, her particularly stunning emerald eyes sparkling with a challenge as her own group of friends moved in behind her. "We wouldn't want you slagging around with the wrong group, now, would we?"

Tallet's midnight eyes narrowed and hardened, glaring heatedly at the newcomer for a long minute before she gave an upset "hum!" and stormed off, her posse quickly following suit.

The girl rolled her eyes at Tallet's theatrics and turned to Peter, emerald eyes immediately softening. "Are you okay?" she asked gently.

Peter bit his lip and nodded, cheeks flaming as he uncertainly smoothed out the pleats in his skirt. "I'm fine," he mumbled, clearly embarrassed. "Thanks for that."

"Any time," she responded lightly. "I'm Lily Evans. You're all new, yeah? What are your names?"

The boys immediately stiffened, the question the sole oversight Adelina had taken, names something that had slipped everyone's mind in the face of the far more daunting task of transforming the boys' decidedly male mannerisms into those of females. "I'm… uh, Jamie," James offered uncertainly, the old nickname his mother and sister had for him the first thing that popped to his mind. "And these are, um…"

"Celine," Sirius supplied evenly, flashing Lily a flirtatious smile as he reached out his hands to take hers. "What you did for our friend was _very_ brave," he murmured, eyes sparkling.

"Oh." Lily's cheeks flushed an attractive shade of light pink and she shook her head. "It was nothing," she dismissed quietly. "Evangeline has always liked to start trouble. _Someone_ needed to put her in her place."

Sirius grinned and gave her small hands a tight squeeze. "Well, you were _brilliant_ at it," he said emphatically, leaning in to press kisses to each of her cheeks—an action he was swiftly prevented from by Remus, who grabbed the back of his blazer and tugged him back and away from Lily.

"You _were_ brilliant," Remus agreed gently, holding Sirius tightly to his side by the back of his blazer. "I'm Rosemarie, and this is…"

"I'm… um. I'm—I'm Camille," Peter squeaked out after several moments, flushing when he caught the other boys' sideways glances.

But Lily simply smiled in response and nodded. "This is Mary, Emmeline, and Marlene," she introduced, gesturing to a girl with striking purple eyes and gunmetal hair, a petite brunette, and a voluptuous dark haired girl respectively. Lily nodded towards the looming castle and started up through the wide double doors of the entrance, the two groups following her inside. "Where are you all transferring from?" she asked curiously as they moved through the foyer, the grey and white marble floors winking up at them in the reflection of the torches lining the silver walls.

"Hogwarts," James responded absently, his attention mostly given to the cavernous space around him, the drama of the metallic interior of the castle making much more of a statement than the cozy earthy tones of Hogwarts.

Lily glanced over at him, grinning when she recognized the awe in his features. "I figured," she murmured. "You don't sound French. Well, at least you lot aren't alone there; I'm from Cokeworth, and Mary and Marley are from England, too."

Marlene nodded in agreement. "So what made you transfer over to Beauxbatons?" she asked curiously in lilting tones, glancing over at Peter whose eyes were glazed over as he stared down at her considerable chest.

Remus elbowed him discreetly in the ribs while he replied lightly with a smile, keeping to the cover story that Adelina had drilled into their heads over the course of the week, "Our parents. We've been best mates since we were young, and our mothers decided that Hogwarts just wasn't cutting it for us. I can't say that I disagree after seeing this place," he added with a soft giggle as he gestured around the entrance hall. "This is _amazing_."

"Beautiful, isn't it?" the small brunette who must be Emmeline piped up softly, smiling gently at the newcomers. "Six years at Beauxbatons, and I still have to take a breath every time I walk in through those doors."

Remus' friendly smile faltered as he glanced over at Emmeline, his jaw dropping comically to the floor. He watched as her pale cheeks reddened with a light blush as Marlene lightly teased her for the observation, tooth clamped firmly over her plump lower lip as she smiled absently down to the floor, shaking her head in amusement at her friends, her chocolaty waves tumbling artfully over her narrow shoulders.

He was pulled abruptly from his reverie by a sharp jab to the side and he blinked, glancing over at Sirius curiously, whose lips were pulled into a tight smile, eyes hard as he jutted his chin towards Emmeline, whose head was cocked curiously to the side. "Oh—sorry!" he said quickly, cheeks flaming as he flashed a flustered smile over at her. "What was that?"

She smiled and shook her head in amusement. "I was asking if Hogwarts is anything like this," she giggled, eyes sparkling.

"Oh." Remus raised a hand to rub the back of his neck. "Beauxbatons is… I dunno. It's flashier, I guess," he said thoughtfully after a moment. "Hogwarts is a lot more warm and inviting, whereas this castle has a real _feel_ of being a castle; it has all the grandeur and extravagance that I would think a Queen or a nobleman's home would be like, rather than a common home for teens ten months out of the year." They turned into a long, wide hall with four long black tables spaced evenly apart in the middle and lined with dozens of high-backed black chairs with silver cushions, each table exactly the same spare for the long table runners spanning the length of each table; each runner was a different colour. Remus cocked one perfectly groomed eyebrow and turned to Emmeline. "The colours represent the different houses?" he guessed.

" _Maisons_ ," she corrected, nodding her agreement. "Hogwarts is split based on personality traits, yes? Well, Beauxbatons is just a _smidge_ different."

James frowned. "How are people sorted here?" he asked curiously

Lily grinned and tossed her long dirty blonde curls over a thin shoulder. "You'll find out," she said simply, eyes travelling to the front of the room and lips curling into an amused smirk. "And I suppose you'll find out sooner rather than later."

The four boys frowned and followed her gaze, each wearing identical looks of confusion as a skyscraper of a woman donned in powder blue robes trimmed with feathers of a deeper blue made her way up the aisle towards the girls. _"Bonsoir, Mademoiselles!"_ she greeted brightly in a deep, thick French accent, her rouge lips widening into a pleasant smile as she clapped her hands together in front of her.

" _Bonjour, Madame Maxime!"_ the girls sang in response, simultaneously sinking into shallow curtsies, to which the boys responded by sharing looks of alarm.

Lily was the first of the girls to rise. "Madame, this is Jamie, Celine, Rosemary, and Camille," she said politely, gesturing to each boy respectively, clearly pleased with herself for remembering everyone's names. "I'm sure you know this, but they're here for their last year, and they need to be sorted into their Maisons."

Maxime raised one heavily penciled eyebrow and surveyed the four boys before her curiously, dark brown eyes intently scanning the state of their uniforms. "You are the new transfers from Hogwarts, yes?" she asked finally, to which she was answered with four hesitant nods. " _Est-ce que vous parlez en Français?"_

The boys blinked owlishly up at her in response, but after a handful of hesitant seconds, Remus lightly cleared his throat and nodded. _"Oui, Madame_ ," he squeaked out, small hands nervously playing with the hem of his skirt, the presence of the giant Headmistress clearly nerve-wracking. "But I'm the only one. The rest of my friends only know how to speak in English."

The Headmistress gave a thoughtful nod. "That is not very uncommon," she dismissed easily in very exaggerated English, the consonants hard and vowels elongated. "Many of our foreign girls have a hard time with the French language, so we have classes in both English and _en Français._ "

James nodded thoughtfully, hand jumping to absently rake through his hair—though momentarily forgetting his new length and the problem in posed to this habit, his chocolaty sheet breaking apart to plaster strands of hair to his face. He let out a squeak of alarm and dropped his hand from his hair to claw lightly at his face, quickly attempting to break apart the curtain clouding his vision. When he finally managed it, letting out an irritated huff as he pushed the hair behind his ears, it was to find the group surrounding him staring at him with various looks of amusement and curiosity. His cheeks burned a deep scarlet and he dropped his hands to cross over his protruding chest, swallowing hard as he looked up at the Headmistress. "We still need to be sorted into our Houses," he mumbled.

Maxime, clearly put off by the very unladylike show James had just put on, tore her sharp eyes from the brunette as she nodded. "Very well," she said briskly as she turned on her heel and started back out of the hall. "Follow me."

The four boys scrambled to do so, waving goodbye over their shoulders to Lily and her friends, who started for the table with a runner that matched the coral of their slanted uniform hats.

"D'you reckon them to be in Gryffindor?" Sirius asked James quietly as they fell to the back of the procession, absently following the Headmistress up a grand set of stairs to the second floor.

"I dunno, mate," James muttered in response, voice pitched low. "I hope so, though. That blonde bird was _fit_."

Sirius snorted. "Forget her," he dismissed with a wave of his hand. "Did you see the one with the big tits? How can she even stand up straight with a rack that huge?" He paused, surveying James thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, how do _you_ stand up straight?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Believe me, these babies don't come without their faults," he muttered, pressing a hand to the small of his back and stretching out. "It kills when I'm up and walking around for a while. If I couldn't cop a feel whenever I wanted, I would say they aren't worth it."

" _Never_ say that," Sirius sharply chastised. "They're _always_ worth it, especially when _I_ can cop a feel whenever I want, too." He reached out and grabbed James' left breast and squeezed. He squealed indignantly and reached out to punch his friend in the stomach right as the blonde began expertly massaging his fingers into the supple flesh, working his slim fingers so that the nipple hardened under his ministration.

James' fist faltered just before it made contact with the skin and he let out a soft moan of pleasure, the punch coming off as more of a light slap as his eyes fluttered half-shut and his lips parted, unconsciously arching his back into Sirius' touch. _"Godric,"_ he moaned breathily, the word breaking free from his parted lips unbidden.

Sirius' hand faltered at that and his fingers came to a hesitant stop, to which James replied with a desperate mewl, his eyes flying open to stare down at Sirius with lust-darkened eyes and heavy breaths. He stared down at his friend for a long time, clearly needy and desperate for more of his expert touch, until he finally came to his senses and realized just what he was asking Sirius _for_. His deep brown eyes widened and his cheeks and neck flamed a splotchy red as he swallowed hard and stepped away from his friend, uncertainly staring at his feet as they slowly followed the trio ahead down a corridor. "You Obliviate me and then do yourself once we get to our dorm," he muttered after an uncomfortable minute.

Sirius nodded quickly, raising a hand to tangle in his thin platinum hair. "Deal," he said firmly as they finally came to a halt at the end of long corridor that led to a huge round black door with the Beauxbatons emblem engraved into the wood in powder blue, tall and wide enough to fit two fully grown men side by side and stacked on top of each other and still have extra space on all sides. Maxime dipped into a low curtsy, back straight and head bowed respectfully as she softly murmured the password: _rouge à lèvres._ "Come in, come in," Maxime invited in the husky voice of hers as she rose, stepping over the threshold and gesturing with her giant hand for the boys to follow.

"Interesting," Remus murmured thoughtfully as they obediently stepped into the circular office, the pastel pink walls covered with bookshelves that were only half-full with actual books, the rest of the space taken up by various forms of artwork and what seemed to be gifts from students.

"What is it?" Peter asked curiously, glancing over at his friend.

Remus shook his head, stepping up several steps to where a delicately ornate wooden desk was situated on an elevated platform in the very center of the room, commanding the immediate attention of any visitors. "It's nothing," he murmured dismissively. "I suppose when you infiltrate an all-girls' school, you can stop expecting _cauldron cakes_ to be the password and instead expect _lipstick_."

Peter snorted, a small smirk curling the corner of his mouth as he turned his attention on the woman sitting behind the desk, her dark eyes sharp and one eyebrow raised as she stared down at him, his lips falling back into place immediately. "The ladies of Beauxbatons do not make such sounds," she said coldly. "Hogwarts lacks proper training for young girls, so I will have someone in your new Maison teach you etiquette. Now." She reached into a desk drawer and extracted a long, fluffy blue quill and placed it carefully on her desk beside a roll of parchment. "This is—how do you say? A sorting quill," she said. "One by one, you will all have a turn to write, and based on what lies in your heart, you will be sorted into one of the four Maisons: Vanimour, Praegent, Bravestum, and Dèvart. Who will go first?"

The boys glanced uncertainly at each other, clearly waiting to see who would take the plunge first. After a moment, James sighed and stepped forward. "I will," he volunteered quietly, hand raising to clutch his soft waves nervously as he took a seat in the singular cushioned chair before the desk. He took a deep breath and dropped his slim hand from his hair to reach for the quill and dipped the tip lightly in the inkpot Maxime provided, staring down uncertainly at the roll of parchment before him before he finally gathered the courage to put tip to parchment. Immediately, his hand began moving as if of its own accord, the quill scrawling out a handful of words in an elegantly cursive script that was very much the _opposite_ of his own boyish scrawl, the formerly black ink suddenly tinted a soft shade of light coral. When his hand finally stopped moving, he sat back in his chair and stared down with wide eyes at what he had just written: _I need to protect my loved ones and those who cannot protect themselves._

James blinked up at Maxime and she smiled gently. "Coral ink and a desire to protect the innocent," she noted thoughtfully. "It is quite obvious where you belong. Welcome to Bravestum Maison, Mademoiselle…?"

He swallowed hard and provided quietly, still shocked at the Beauxbatons method of sorting, "Edwards, Madame. Jamie Edwards."

The Headmistress nodded. "Welcome," she repeated simply before turning her eyes on the rest of the boys. "Who is next?"

Remus uncertainly stepped forward and took a seat in James' vacated chair, his small fingers hesitantly reaching for the quill sitting in the inkwell. Immediately, his hand began moving of its own accord, looping a phrase out right beneath James' sentence: _I_ _am a monster; everyone needs to be protected from me._

"Why on earth would others need to be protected from you?" Maxime asked, bewildered.

He felt himself drain of colour as he stared down at the words in horror, the phrase feeling like, to him, just as obvious as a sign announcing his lycanthropy. After several long moments, the room filled with a silence so thick one could cut through it with a knife, Remus finally cleared his throat and forced his lips into a tight smile that came out as more of a grimace as he looked up at the Headmistress. "I've anger management problems," he said quietly, simply. "I have it under control now, but I'm… always scared I'll hurt someone."

Maxime stared down at Remus doubtfully for a while, the boy's petite stature and wide eyes making her severely doubt the legitimacy of the excuse. Finally she simply sighed and waved her hand dismissively. "The ink is coral, so the problems must not be so uncontrollable. Join your _amie_ , Mademoiselle."

Remus gave a distant nod and obediently turned to join James where he stood off to the side, his hand reaching out to comfortingly squeeze Remus' thin shoulder.

Sirius stepped up next and took a seat without being asked, reaching for the long quill fearlessly and watching as it scratched out a simple six-letter phrase that held a tangible weight: _I must right my family's wrongs._

"Bravestum Maison," Maxime announced with a sharp nod of her head, gesturing for Sirius to join the two other boys waiting off to the side. "That leaves you last, Mademoiselle," she said, every eye in the room turning to Peter, who looked sickly pale with fear as she gestured to the seat. " _Asseyez-vous_."

Peter blinked up at the Headmistress uncertainly for a moment, then carefully crossed to the seat and reached for the quill with shaking fingers, the pressure of being sorted into the same Maison as his three friends clearly weighing heavily on his mind as his hand was put through the same motions as the others to string together a single word: _survive._

"Hm." All eyes turned on Maxime, who was staring down at the parchment with a knit brow.

"Wh-what is it?" Peter squeaked out uncertainly, setting the quill aside and dropping his hands uncomfortably to his lap.

She shook her head. "It is nothing," she dismissed quietly. "It is just… self-preservation is a trait usually belonging to Vanimour Maison. But the ink is coral and the quill never lies, so you are a new member of Bravestum Maison. _Bienvenue_ , Mademoiselle."

Peter swallowed hard, staring up at her hesitantly for another moment before he carefully rose to his feet and moved to join his friends.

"You all may join your—how do you say?—housemates," she said brightly. "You will have missed the entrée, but dessert will be served shortly. Enjoy."

The three boys nodded and quickly filed out of the office, scurrying down the corridor as quickly as their pumps would allow. Once they were a safe distance away, Sirius exhaled deeply and shook his head. "Merlin," he muttered wearily. "I miss Hogwarts."

Remus nodded absentmindedly. "Me, too," he mumbled, the colour slowly returning back to his pale features. "What a cruel way to sort eleven year olds, by announcing their heart's desire in front of the entire school. At least it's private with the Sorting Hat."

James sighed. "I know," he muttered, staying silent for a minute before he shook his head and looked up at his friends. "Let's not talk about it again," he decided firmly, his smoldering brown eyes determined. "We just have to get through this dinner and then we can go to our dorm and sleep it all off. Let's enjoy the eye candy for a night before we have to start worrying about the mission, yeah?"

Remus cast him a skeptical look, opening his mouth to argue, but he was prematurely cut off by an excited Sirius. "I'm up for that," he said enthusiastically. "No one can slap me for staring when I'm like this." He gestured to his willowy frame, tugging pointedly at the end of his skirt. "I want to get another look at that bird with the big tits before dinner's over."

"Speaking of which, I'm _starving_ ," Peter said emphatically, rubbing his rumbling stomach. "Let's get down there before everything's taken."

The other boys nodded their agreement and they quickly made their way down to the dining hall, following the sound of hundreds of girls' voices so as not to get lost. "Where do we sit?" Sirius asked James out of the corner of his mouth as they came to a halt between the tall double doors, uncertainly glancing around the regal hall.

James began to shake his head uncertainly, then stopped as he noticed a hand waving them over to the table on the right hand side, the coral table runner bright as ever beneath the plates of food. "Looks like that blonde wants some more time with me," he murmured smugly, a very James Potter smirk curling his glossy lips as he started off towards where Lily and her friends were sat at the table.

"I hope he realizes he's doing that in five inch heels and a mini skirt," Remus muttered to Sirius as they followed him, rolling his eyes as their friend fluffed a hand through his hair—a certain sign that he was trying to impress.

"I see you're all a part of Bravestum Maison," Lily noted with a light tap on his suddenly coral hat as James lowered himself into the chair between her and Marlene, Sirius sitting on the opposite side of the latter and Remus and Peter rounding the table to slide into the vacant chairs beside Mary and Emmeline.

James nodded. "We made the cut," he said lightly, "but what's the difference between all the Houses, anyway?"

She rolled her eyes. "Maxime _always_ forgets to talk about that," she sighed, shaking her head, then dived into a short but informative explanation: "Bravestum is for the heroic and honourable. Praegent," she gestured to the table on their right with a pale pink runner, "is for the astute and those who are strong leaders. Dèvart is for the creative and kind—basically anyone with really strong artistic abilities or who doesn't fit in any of the other Maisons." She nodded to the table on their far left, their slanted hats a soft shade of yellow. "And then Vanimour." She sighed and shook her head irritably as she jerked a thumb towards the table donning a rich purple runner beside them on the left. "They're known for being ridiculously vain and proud," she muttered, distaste clear in her tone. "People like Evangeline are in there. Spend five minutes around a group of their girls, and they'll tear you apart, I'm telling you. Every little insecurity you have, they'll harp on it and make you feel like complete shit." She shook her head in disgust. "I try my best to keep every first year I can away from them," she muttered. "The less they're exposed, the better."

James nodded thoughtfully, the venom in Lily's voice at the mention of Vanimour Maision surprising him, the girl usually so bright and bubbly. "So stay away from Vanimour. Got it," he surmised simply, giving a sharp nod.

Lily glanced over at him and cracked a smile. "Exactly," she agreed, satisfied to have someone agree with her.

* * *

Hungrily, the boys piled their plates high with desserts both familiar and foreign until by the end of the night, they felt as if they were going to pop out of their skirts. When Maxime finally dismissed the student body, the students rose with the hustle and bustle only hundreds of teenage girls could cause, Lily and her group of friends among them. "Come on," she invited, gesturing with a smile of amusement towards the wide double doors. "Let's see where your dorms are."

James looked up at her sleepily, hand absently rubbing over his flat stomach for a minute, the metabolism that came with a girl's body so _very_ different from that of a man's, he was quickly learning, but with a reluctant nod and a helping hand, he managed to push himself to his feet and start off out of the hall, the rest of the girls and Marauders following suit. "I can get used to Beauxbatons, you know," he sighed pleasantly as Lily stepped up to his side, glancing at her with a light smile.

Lily grinned and nodded. "It _is_ great, isn't it?" she murmured gently, glancing around the bright school with a definite sense of home.

He watched her carefully as they made their way up two more long flights up stairs and down several twisting corridors, the flickering light from the torches lining the walls shining on her long blonde curls, making her seem to perpetually radiate with a natural, breathtaking beauty. _Godric. Is this what I've been missing all these years at Hogwarts? I feel robbed._

" _Bonjour_ ," Lily suddenly brightly greeted a marble statue of a short, plump witch in heavy dress robes at the end of a corridor lined with windows overlooking the sprawling grounds, her stone face surprisingly soft and full of expression as she broke into a grin, breaking James out of his reverie.

" _Bonjour,_ Mademoiselles," the woman chimed back, dipping into a shallow curtsy that the other girls mimicked. _"Quel est le mot de passe?"_

Lily rose from her curtsy and smiled up at the statue. "The password is in English this year, Madame Blanchette," she reminded the stone woman. "It's cherry blossom."

Madame Blanchette hopped down lightly from her pedestal to reveal a door taller than it was wide that immediately swung open of its own accord, revealing a grand room hidden inside. A high, glass domed ceiling allowed for an unobstructed view of the clear night sky, the sleek stormy grey and coral décor lending for a surprisingly modern touch to the ancient castle, though keeping consistent with the overall femininity of the school with several bouquets of flowers that sat on any available coffee tables and counters and two small vanities positioned across the room from each other, several girls already crowded around one and working on each other's makeup.

"Bloody hell," Sirius muttered beneath his breath. "I feel like a bird."

"It may have escaped your notice, Pads, but you _are_ a bird," Remus responded patiently.

"You know what I mean."

"Do _you_ know what you mean?"

"Just because I'm wearing heels, don't think I won't knock you out, Moony."

"Touché."

"The first to fourth years sleep on the left, and fifth years and up are on the right," Lily said absently as their group crossed to the right staircase across the common area, climbing a loosely spiraling staircase for several moments before they finally reached a door near the top with the names of Lily and her friends etched onto the wood, and the names the boys had given to the Headmistress etched onto the exterior of the next door up.

"We'll see you all tomorrow," Mary said lightly as she pushed open their dormitory door, waving goodbye.

"Night!" Marlene said with a small wave, following her inside, Emmeline following in a similar fashion.

"Just knock if you girls need anything, okay?" Lily said as she moved to the threshold, turning to give a final wave of farewell. "Good night."

"Let's go," Sirius muttered after Lily closed the door behind her, stepping up to their own dormitory and pushing the door open. "I need to get out of these bloody clothes before the potion wears off." He hardly stopped to take in their new furnishings, the dormitory set up in quite a similar manner to that of Hogwarts, with four-poster beds lining the wall and their trunks set at the end of their beds, the only real difference the inclusion of two small vanities on either side of the door and the prominent colours of coral and grey popping up throughout the room.

Remus crossed to the bed second to the left and dropped onto the mattress, curiously touching the linen curtains tied to each bed post. "So I guess Beauxbatons doesn't need as much privacy as Hogwarts," he muttered dejectedly as he felt the material between his fingers. "It's almost completely see-through."

James snorted and rolled his eyes as he moved to the bed directly in the middle of the room. "Probably because they don't have anything to hide," he muttered. "No one's shacking up with anyone here. No need to hide your bed from your mates."

"Of course people are shacking up," Sirius dismissed with a roll of his eyes. "I bet you ten galleons there's at _least_ one pair of birds who've shagged in this castle."

"If you go trying to find one to get shagged, Padfoot, I'll kill you," James warned. "You'll blow our cover if you go around shagging birds left right and center."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Don't worry," he dismissed in a murmur, moving towards the open door and keenly watching the staircase, where playful shrieks were sounding from beneath. "I'm not going _anywhere_ if this is how it's going to be."

Remus and James exchanged confused looks, the former uncertainly prompting, "What do you mean—?"

He was abruptly cut off by a loud shriek, immediately followed by two bras and a pair of lace knickers landing just inside the open door of their dormitory. Two girls, one in a very thin silk nightie and the other in a crop top and sleep boxers, came running up the stairs and came to a stop in front of Sirius, cheeks flushed and grins lighting their features. "Sorry about that," the one in the nightie giggled, moving into the dormitory and bending over to pick up the discarded undergarments, allowing Sirius a healthy view of her bare bottom and the men on the beds an clear view of her chest spilling out. She straightened far sooner than any of the boys would have liked and tossed her friend one of the bras as they descended the stairs, leaving four dumbstruck Marauders in their wake.

Sirius was the first to breach the shocked silence, his face splitting into a wide, excited grin as he turned to face his friends. "This is going to be a fun month."

* * *

 **A/N:** Hi, guys! Long time no see! I'm s _ooooo_ sorry it took this long for me to post the fourth chapter. I really feel horrible that I've made you guys waist so long, especially after how supportive of this story everyone's been. But I really have to say, I feel _**so**_ blessed to have such amazing readers. I've been getting PMs left right and center asking for the next update, and I know it took some time, but it's all thanks you you guys for giving me the kick in the butt I needed to figure out the logistics of Beauxbatons and get back to writing.

And just because I know I'm going to get TONS of questions and/criticisms about this, **_Lily's hair is blonde for a reason!_** That reason will come apparent later on in the story, but I just need you guys to understand this now before you start biting my head off for it. Not that I would mind all that much, though. I know you guys are only vicious monsters because you care :)

Reviews are better than shiny, fresh-out-of-the-shower Sirius Black abs (okay, maybe not _better_ , but you get the point!)


	5. And So it Begins

**Disclaimer:** Why would I try to be Jo? She is mother, goddess, _and_ Queen and should any part of my story even _slightly_ resemble her writing, I would be humbled, but alas, this is simply my own take on the lives of four quite interesting men

* * *

It wasn't the soft, steady golden glow of the morning sun filtered in through the thin cotton drapery around his four-poster which awoke James the following morning, and neither was it the muffled _click-clacking_ of high heels on stone steps just outside his door. No, what forced James out of his heavy slumber was a loud, incessant knocking on the boys' door, accompanied by the occasional exasperated huff of _"get up,"_ and _"you're going to be late!"_

When the intrusive noise wouldn't relent, James reluctantly peeled himself from his soft pillow, yawning widely and scratching a hand across his broad, tanned chest as he absently glanced at his clock—and nearly had a heart attack.

" _Shit,"_ he swore violently as he sprang from bed, grabbing his wand from the bedside table as he did so and sharply jerking it, sending the blankets of his three fellow dorm mates flying away. "Get the fuck up!" he hissed, tossing a pillow at Sirius' head as he rushed to the bathroom. "We've fifteen minutes to get to class!"

Sirius groaned loudly and placed the pillow over his face as Peter and Remus reluctantly rose and scurried, still half-asleep, to get themselves together. "This is the part I miss the _least_ about being in school," he grumbled to himself.

James popped his head out of the bathroom and rolled his eyes, toothbrush still in his mouth as he crossed to Sirius and punched him in the chest. "Yeah, well, get used to it, Pads," he said around the toothbrush as he ripped the pillow away from his friend's face, "looks like we're seventeen again. Now _get up_. Bloody Adelina said we should just give up altogether if our makeup doesn't look decent on the first day, and as it takes you twenty minutes just to finish one eye, you need to get up _now."_

Sirius made an obscene gesture to James' back as the bespectacled boy moved back to the bathroom. "This would be my ruddy day off if we weren't working this rubbish case, Potter," he muttered moodily as he reluctantly traipsed to his vanity and took a swig of his designated batch of Polyjuice Potion as he changed out of his nightclothes.

"What's our first class, Remus?" Peter asked after silence had befallen the dormitory, hopping around as he attempted to pull on his knee highs while simultaneously brushing his teeth.

"Transfiguration," Remus murmured absently, his focus solely on the black line of eyeliner he was attempting to draw, intently trying to recreate the subtle cat eye Adelina had insisted was a " _go-to if pressed for time."_

"If I had known that, I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to get to class," James snorted as he applied a final coat of mascara, the finishing touch to his subtle pink smoky eye look. He took a step back and cocked his head, long chocolate curls tumbling to the side as he scrutinized his reflection, absently smoothing his hands over the silver blouse beneath his standard blue blazer. Satisfied with what he saw, he turned and moved to sit on his bed as he slipped into his heels. "Is everyone ready?" he called in his velvety, vaguely Scottish lilt.

"Let's go," Sirius said firmly, head ducked as he shrugged on his backpack and placed his coral hat atop his blonde head.

"Wait." Remus crossed to Sirius in two quick strides and turned the boy's face towards him, immediately letting out a groan at what he found. "Sirius," he moaned in exasperation, crossing his thin arms over his chest as he cast his friend a weary look

James sat up straight and glanced over at Sirius and Remus, perfectly manicured eyebrow cocked. "What did he do?" he asked Remus cautiously.

"What?" Sirius said indignantly, standing up straight. He huffed out his chest and sniffed, "I think it gives me character."

"What is it?" Peter asked curiously, moving towards his two friends and immediately bursting into a laughing fit as he caught sight of Sirius. "Merlin's beard, Padfoot," he giggled.

"As if you look any better," Sirius muttered defensively, poking Peter in his rounded stomach, much to the shorter boy's dismay.

" _What did he do?"_ James repeated insistently as he rose to his feet, skirt swishing around his thighs as he crossed to the boys in two quick strides, a firm frown pulling down the corners of his full lips as he pressed a hand to Sirius' cheek and turned his face towards his own.

James wanted to throw something. _"Sirius!"_ he snapped angrily, shoving his friend hard in the chest, causing him to stagger back in his heels and fall flat onto his bed. "What the _actual_ fuck, mate?"

"Oi!" Sirius pushed himself into a sitting position, his self-imposed black eye narrowed irritably up at James. "At least this way Markham can't bloody say anything about my makeup."

James blew out a long, irritable breath as a fist hammered insistently on their door. "You guys have _eight minutes_ to get to class!" a vexed voice called through the wood.

" _Coming,"_ four voices replied irritably.

Remus was silent for a moment, then sighed and grabbed his wand from his blazer pocket. "Pete, grab some mascara," he muttered as he reached out to tilt Sirius' chin upwards, murmuring an incantation and watching in satisfaction as the angry blue-and-black welt smoothed to a milky while pallour. "You're a bloody _idiot_ , you know, Black," he murmured as he leaned in close and quickly swiped mascara over Sirius' blonde lashes. He took a step back and cocked his head. "Good?" he asked the room in general.

" _Yes,"_ Sirius said emphatically, pushing to rise to his feet—to which James immediately rebutted " _no_ " and shoved him back down. "Bloody hell, Prongs," he muttered as his friend moved to the vanity and quickly grabbed a number of cosmetics, squirming anxiously where he sat. "We're already going to be late. Just forget about me and let's _go_."

"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Black," James muttered as he made his way back to the anxious blonde on the bed. "Hold him down," he ordered of Remus and Peter, who immediately sprang into action, pinning a violently thrashing Sirius' arms and legs firmly to the mattress as James crawled on top of him, his chestnut mane cascading in waves over his shoulder, the curly tips a whisper of contact against his friend's small face.

Sirius looked up into James' almond eyes and raised an eyebrow as his thrashing stopped. "Is it bad that I'm slightly turned on right now?" he murmured.

James' lip curled upwards into a smirk. "Only if you have something against brunettes," he teased in a sultry whisper, flashing him a wink.

"If you two are going to snog, let us know so we can give you some privacy," Peter said with a roll of his eyes.

"Funny, Wormtail," James deadpanned as he carefully swiped a bright matte fuchsia lipstick over Sirius' thin lips, then quickly brushed a lightly shimmery chocolate brown eye shadow over his lids, and finally finished off with a quick dusting of blush on the apples of his cheeks. " _Now_ let's go," James said firmly as he hopped off of Sirius and grabbed his backpack on his way to the door, which swung open to reveal a highly irritated Lily.

" _Finally_ ," she said in exasperation, fixing all four boys with a hard look before simply shaking her head and starting off down the stairs to class. "I'd have just left you all to find your way around yourselves if I wasn't Head Girl, you know," she muttered after a minute of silence had passed. "And it isn't a fashion show; there's no need to spend all that time on makeup."

The Marauders exchanged looks, surprised, before James said carefully, "We were kind of told otherwise before coming here."

"Yeah," Peter agreed, shrugging one shoulder. "They said the girls here are near vicious when it comes to everyone's looks."

Lily snorted and rolled her eyes. "Well, I don't know where you got your advice, but that's pretty much the _opposite_ of Beauxbatons," she said with a weary smile. "I mean, sure, some of the girls are like that, but mostly everyone doesn't really care. We're all girls here, so we all understand the struggle it takes to look good in the morning, and as there aren't any boys here to impress, we mostly just do the bare minimum."

"So he _didn't_ have to bloody force me to look like this?" Sirius muttered irritably to Remus, who responded by elbowing him sharply in the side.

"Who's the Transfiguration teacher?" James asked over his friend, moving to walk beside Lily as they wound their way up a long marble staircase.

"Madame Macri," Lily replied with a sigh as she checked her watch. "Who _hates_ tardiness, by the way, so unless you're somehow brilliant at her class, you're pretty much destined to be her least favourite students."

James cracked a smile. "Oh, I think we'll be able to handle ourselves just fine," he chuckled.

They finally came near the end of a long, twisting white marble corridor as Lily rapped her knuckles lightly on a tall cedar door, a charming smile already in place when it opened to reveal a squat old woman peering sternly up at her over thin rectangular spectacles. "Mademoiselle Evans," the woman said primly, voice thin as paper and reedy in a way that made James squirm where he stood, her heavily accented English making her hard to understand. "Why are you late?"

"I'm sorry, Madam, but I was just helping some new students find their way to class," Lily apologized, gesturing to the four boys standing behind her. "They've just transferred from Hogwarts, see, and they needed a bit of help navigating the castle."

Madam Macri raised one over-plucked eyebrow as she glanced over briefly at the Marauders, then sighed and waved them inside. "Very well; _bienvenue, je suis Madame Macri. Asseyez-vous et trouvez une partenaire. Nous allons passer en revue les sorts et les charmes que nous avons appris l'année dernière. Faites de votre mieux pour suivre le reste d'entre nous."_

The four boys blinked at her, the words coming out in what felt like a rush of foreign gibberish that left them without a prayer of deciphering.

Sensing their discomfort, Lily sighed and grabbed James' elbow, herding him and the rest of the boys to the few empty seats in the back of the marble classroom. "She _said_ to find a partner because we're doing a review of last year," Lily translated as the class rose to their feet as one and scrambled to partner up with each other. "Like I said," she sighed as a tall girl with hair the colour of steel—Mary, James thought her name was—grabbed Lily's hand and began pulling her away, "unless you want the rest of the semester to be hell, _impress her_." And just like that, she was gone.

Sirius snorted and leaned back on the hind legs of his chair, absentmindedly twirling his wand around his fingers. "If every class is going to be as easy as bloody _Transfiguration_ , I might not mind being in school again," he muttered, grinning lopsidedly up at his friends.

James smirked and mimicked Sirius' posture, one arm slinging over the back of his chair while the other waved his wand almost lazily, watching in amusement as the rest of the class gaped between the Marauders and the large black dog which was sat where a desk had been a moment before.

"Oh, Prongsie, I know I'm always on your mind, but this might just be a bit too much," Sirius murmured, dramatically clutching at his heart.

James rolled his eyes, absently twirling a strand of hair around his finger as he enjoyed the disbelief emanating from his fellow classmates. "You know I just can't go a day without proclaiming my undying love for you, Pads," he retorted playfully, flashing a jaunty wink as a wide-eyed Mary turned to face the Marauders.

"How in _Merlin's name_ did you do that?" she asked in disbelief, pointing to the panting dog currently surrounded by a sea of equally stunned teenage girls.

"Oh, you know; just the usual," James murmured dismissively, his smirk widening as he flicked his wand once more and the dog turned back into a table, "magic."

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes as the girls shared looks of awe at the show of talent. "You know you can't actually _shag_ any of the girls here, right?" he muttered as he leaned in close to a self-satisfied James, who glanced over at his friend with a peaked eyebrow before clapping him once on the back.

"Ye of little faith," James sighed with a small shake of his head, gaze returning to the sea of estrogen lapping at his shores, _just_ out of reach; at least for now.

"Just wait and see."

* * *

After a considerably less impressive show during their History of Magic lesson, which consisted of material the boys soundly ignored for the second year in a row taught by a teacher who just may have been as boring as Professor Binns, in James' opinion, the Marauders found themselves being herded through the large oak doors of the regal dining hall by a swarm of students, famished after the long morning spent back in a classroom.

"I can't believe I'm stuck learning all this rubbish again," Sirius muttered dejectedly, dropping his History of Magic textbook irritably onto the long lunch table as he plopped himself down and began filling his plate. "I never paid attention in Hogwarts, so what makes anyone think I'm going to listen here, in a castle _surrounded_ by fit French birds?" He shook his head and muttered glumly around a bite of his sandwich, "Bloody ridiculous, if you ask me."

"Mate, shut it for a second," James muttered as he scanned the hall, his eyes roaming carefully over each student's face. "Do we think we've met anyone as yet who might be the killer?"

"James, we aren't going to find anyone within a day," Remus said reasonably, though his lips were pressed into a thin line as he, too, watched the throng of young girls around them. "You need to give it some time."

"The more time we give ourselves, the longer we're stuck here," he reminded his friend dejectedly, irritably pushing a long strand of hair from his face. "And the longer we're stuck here, the longer I have to walk around in knickers, so I'd prefer to close this case as soon as possible."

"I actually thought that's the one part of this assignment you liked," Peter jibed, smirking.

"I like punching you in the face more, Wormtail."

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned his gaze across the room to the Vanimour table, where Evangeline Tallet was hissing at a pair of first years who had apparently gone to take the last apple from the bowl in the middle of the table. "I say it's that ice bitch Tallet," he said bluntly, watching as the two younger girls got up and shuffled quickly to the other end of the table, apple left untouched on their plate. "Certainly seems the type."

James considered, his eyes having wandered over to the Vanimour table, as well. "Maybe," he allowed slowly. "We'll watch her and see what happens." He returned his gaze to his three friends, a hard set to his jaw; he was in Auror-in-training mode now. "Remus and Pete, go follow her around for a few days and see what you can come up with. Sirius and I will work on extracting information from what's probably our best chance of finding a lead."

Sirius raised one thin blonde eyebrow. "And what would that be?"

James smirked dryly and looked up as a group of four girls neared their gathering: a small blonde, a petite brunette, one with smoke grey hair and another with a scrumptiously curvy figure. "Here they come now," he murmured simply.

Remus glanced at the approaching girls, then back at James with a deep frown. "James, I swear to Merlin, if you fuck up this assignment just because you fancy Lily, I'll hex you into next month," he whispered sternly.

"Have a little faith, Rose," James said lightly as Lily lowered herself into the seat beside him, the other girls falling into place around the Marauders. He glanced over at Remus and winked. "I know what I'm doing."

* * *

"So what do you guys do for fun over here?" James asked Lily absently as they sat around the fire in the _salle commune_ for their Maison. Remus and Peter had excused themselves from the little group the eight of them made, citing a desire to explore the castle on their own when in reality they were following Tallet as she disappeared out to the grounds after the last class of the day. As per James' instructions, he and Sirius had decided to hang out with Lily's group of friends in their Maison's common room—even if that meant writing a paper on the dangers giants posed to an unsuspecting muggle community. Lucky for Sirius, however, Emmeline and the others had gone off to their dormitory quite soon after with him in tow, leaving James and Lily alone.

Lily glanced up from her parchment and looked over at him with a raised eyebrow. She had tied her hair up in a messy bun, and whisps of blond locks tickled her face, whispering against her high cheekbones as she cracked an amused smile. "What, writing an essay isn't causing the riot you hoped?" she teased.

"Not particularly," he admitted, sitting back against the couch and trying not to stare at the smooth curve of her thin neck as she twisted to glance back at him, because _Merlin knows_ he can't afford to muck up this investigation just because a bird was fit.

She grinned and sat back against the foot of the sofa from her position on the floor. "Well, we get to go on trips to Épache, the village just outside the castle, twice a month, and then at certain times through the year, the upper classes get to go to Paris for a day."

He raised an eyebrow, impressed. "Well, that beats Hogwarts' monthly trip to Hogsmeade," he admitted as he crossed his legs. He had changed into a pair of worn sweatpants earlier so he was in no danger of flashing the rest of the Maison his frilly lace knickers (which he had just as quickly swapped for a pair of boxer-briefs, which he felt supremely smug about).

"I'm sure it does," Lily agreed, smirking. "But hands down, the _best_ thing about Beauxbatons is when the blokes from Durmstrang come to visit."

James sat up at that, interest piqued. "Durmstrang?"

Lily grinned and nodded excitedly. "I know. Merlin above, they're just _gorgeous,_ aren't they," she sighed dreamily, mistaking James' incredulousness for lust over the foreign teens. "A bunch of them come during the summer each year for a crash course on French culture. They're usually the ones who end up in high-ranking positions in our Ministry. Depending on how they do, a couple of them end up spending a semester here, and if they're _really_ brill, some just finish out the school year with us."

James' brow furrowed. "I've never heard of an exchange program like that before," he said thoughtfully.

"Well, that's because it isn't really an _exchange,_ per se," she explained. "Durmstrang comes in, but Beauxbatons never goes out. It isn't really our style to leave France, no matter the opportunity."

"Huh." James chewed over this thoughtfully, what it might mean for their investigation to have a bunch of brutish Durmstrang blokes sniffing around the castle, contaminating their suspect pool with their Dark Arts-loving ways. "When do they start to arrive?" he asked Lily after a brief silence.

"Mid-September," she said absently as she returned to her essay. She paused, looking over at James appraisingly, and then cracked a mischievous smile when she saw just how tense he seemed at the news. "Just in time for the first trip to Épache," she said airily, a smile in her voice. "Lighten up, Jamie. You know, it's a good thing we're mates, because I'm going to make _sure_ you have a Durmstrang bloke in your pants before the month is through."

* * *

They boys were back to their normal selves by the time they had all found their way back to their dorm that night. Several complicated locking charms had been put in place on the door and the room was made soundproof thanks to Remus' adept skill at silencing charms, allowing James to delve into the details of his conversation with Lily—though just until when Durmstrang would arrive. He could _definitely_ do without the teasing about Lily's determination to hook him up with a Durmstrang bloke.

"So let me get this straight," Sirius said irritably as he emerged from the bathing room, tugging a t shirt off and tossing it carelessly to the floor as he flopped down onto his bed, "not only do we have to try to find out which of these gossiping, mouthy birds is a serial killer, but now we have to deal with Death Eaters-in-training entering this bloody school?"

"Sirius, not every person who goes to Durmstrang is meant to be a Death Eater," Remus sighed as he put down the book he gave up on trying to read and turned his attention to his friends.

"They're all Slytherins, the lot of them," Sirius muttered darkly.

James sighed, watching as the small golden snitch flew away from him, almost out of reach, before he snatched it back up again and repeated the process, the old habit something he always did when he needed to focus on something. "It makes things harder, yeah, but let's just focus on the birds for now before another school invades the palace," he said carefully. "What happened with Tallet?"

"Nothing," Peter said bluntly with a roll of his eyes. "She and a couple of friends walked around the grounds for a bit and made fun of a third year that was showing her friends her Chocolate Frog card collection. Then they went to the library and collected an essay some poor sixth year wrote for her." He shook his head. "She's a bitch, but nothing points to her being a murderer."

Remus cleared his throat. "Not exactly Pete," he said quietly. Three pairs of eyes snapped to him and he shrugged. "You were in the loo for ages and missed when she went up to the Owlery." He paused for a moment; the tension mounted to a near boiling point between the three boys before he finally sat back and said quietly, simply, "She sent out a letter addressed to Durmstrang."

* * *

 **A/N:** Here it is! The long-awaited chapter 5 is finally posted! I'm so sorry it took as long as it did to get this out there, but I was just having a bit of a tough time trying to transition from the lighter parts of "oh, crap, we have to pose as women?!" to the "okay, this is an actual investigation. Let's gt shit done." Not to mention all the info-dumping in chapter 4 really took it out of me. But I'm back, and I'm hoping to have chapter 6 up sometime relatively soon, because I already have most of it planned out.

Thank you so much to everyone who messaged me about continuing on with this story. It really means the world to me that there are actual people out there who care about something that I've written.

Reviews are a straight-out-of-the-dryer sweater on a cold rainy day.


	6. She'd Just Love To!

**Disclaimer:** Jo is Queen, Jo is life, Jo is everything pure and bright. Now you can see why I just write fics.

* * *

James, Sirius, and Peter stared in silence at Remus as they let his words sink in—as they let the implications of this revelation fully absorb.

Sirius was the first to speak: "So you're telling me that the evil ice bitch of Beauxbatons is sending letters to Death Eaters over at Durmstrang?" he clarified quietly, voice tense. The room was silent for a beat, then he suddenly sprang up from his bed and walked over to the door. "Well, since this case is closed, I'm going to go find Marlene McKinnon and shag her brains out," he said brightly, a confident swagger to his step. "Let me know how taking down Tallet goes."

That snapped James out of it. He grabbed his wand from the bedside and flicked it once, watching as Sirius' wand went flying just as the other boy began to undo the locking charms on the door. "Shut up and sit down, Padfoot," James said flatly as he easily caught the thin piece of wood in one hand, ignoring Sirius' indignant shout of protest as he turned cautious eyes onto Remus. "Do you have any idea what the letter said?"

Remus shook his head ruefully. "Her friends kept teasing her about some bloke named Mikhail; said she won't be able to keep her hands off him when he comes to visit." He paused, then said slowly, "Tallet didn't really seem to be into it, though. I would have thought she would love the attention at having a foreign boyfriend, but she seemed way too focused on the letter to gloat."

James frowned. "So he's going to be visiting with the rest of the Durmstrang blokes?" he asked wearily. Remus shrugged helplessly and he groaned, raking his hands through the mess of black atop his head, making his silky locks stick up at all angles. "Bloody _fucking_ hell. This case is going to take longer than I thought."

"Just means you can spend more time with Evans," Sirius said wisely, swiping his wand back from James and flashing him a jaunty wink.

"Yeah, as a bloody bird," he grumbled irritably, scrubbing a Quidditch-calloused hand over his face. Merlin. He had never thought that this mission was going to be easy, but dealing with a correspondence from _Durmstrang_ was definitely throwing a wrench in their investigation.

"Look at it as I see it," Sirius said, brandishing his flask with Polyjuice as he spoke. "These birds have been stuck in a castle together for _seven years_. That's seven years of limited contact with men, and probably seven full years without a shag, since birds are all about _waiting_ , but they don't realize that if they wait too long, they'll lose their chance. So." He looked around the room at his friends, meeting each of their tired gazes with his smug one, then took a hearty swig of his Polyjuice. Within seconds, Sirius was gone and Celine had replaced him. "If you can't be a bloke and shag her, may as well go for it as a bird."

His three friends gaped at him as he moved to change into less boyish clothes, which turned out to be nothing more than a _considerably_ short skirt and a bralette. "I'm off to see if I can turn McKinnon," he said cheerfully, hips swaying as he moved to the door and began undoing the locking charms.

"Sirius," Remus finally spluttered, finally having found his voice after being shocked into silence. "You can't just go around shagging birds while we're on a mission!"

"I did it when I wasn't wearing knickers. Why should anything change now?" he countered smartly.

"Because!"

Sirius raised an eyebrow and glanced back at Remus, waiting for a more intellectual response, and when the other boy didn't reply with anything further, Sirius' glossy lips curled into a smirk and he flicked his wand one last time before glancing back at his friends, hand on the knob. "Seriously, Prongs; I say just go for it," he advised, eyes intent on James for a second before he flashed a wink and sauntered out of the dorm, leaving the three remaining Marauders staring after him in stunned silence.

Finally, Peter let out a choked little laugh, shaking his head in disbelief as he crawled into bed. "Unbelievable," he muttered. "He's wearing a bloody thong and he's _still_ getting more action than me."

The next two weeks passed without much event. The boys reluctantly fell back into the familiar routine that came with school, and without any other leads besides Evangeline and the mysterious Mikhail, their investigation came to a standstill— which was just fine with the boys. The less they had to focus on crazy serial killers, the better, as the social aspect of their mission was more or less overwhelming for each individual Marauder.

Peter, in particular, seemed to have a hard time getting on with his classmates, as socially inept as he was. James constantly found him shuffling over to Remus' side to join in on the more level-headed boy's conversations, which more and more frequently seemed to be with the equally bashful Emmeline Vance.

James smirked to himself as he watched she and Remus hug each other in greeting as the Marauders met up with Lily's group in anticipation for the arrival of the boys from Durmstrang one evening, Remus with a timid awkwardness compared to Emmeline's delicate grace.

"What are you smiling at?" Lily asked James curiously as she popped up at his shoulder, her blonde curls bouncing as she popped up on her toes to get to James' vantage point, as he was almost a head taller than her in the heels she had forced him to wear for the occasion.

"Nothing," James said dismissively, wincing as he followed Lily to their Maison's table in the dining hall. After the revelation that no, most seventh year girls did _not_ care to wear heels around the castle all day, the boys had hastily switched to the far more comfortable ballet flats with their uniform. James' feet barked in protest at once more being stuffed inside five-inch pumps and, not for the first time that night, he wished dearly that the Durmstrang blokes would fail to show up and Lily would relent on her insistent plan of trying to fix him up with one.

"Tallet looks rather impatient," Sirius noted quietly as he dropped into the seat on James' left, nodding towards the Vanimour table where Evangeline did, indeed, look impatient as she pushed around her vegetables without interest, repeatedly glancing over at the large clock situated behind the teachers' table. "Can't wait to see how this whole Mikhail thing plays out."

"You and me both," James muttered, fingers absently twirling a long strand of chocolate curls around and around, a habit he had quickly picked up with his new lengthy locks.

"Stop playing with your hair," Lily chastised as she turned to him, a frown turning down her lips. "I spent ages curling it."

James stared at her a moment, then reluctantly dropped a hand down onto his lap with a heavy sigh. "Remind me again why _you_ aren't slagging yourself off to be with a Death Eater?" he asked wearily, not for the first time. _And remind me why I'm_ letting you _slag me off._

 _"_ _Because,"_ she said patiently, "I'm still grieving over my relationship with Antoine."

Oh, right. Antione was the idiot muggle bloke she had been seeing since last Christmas. He broke it off with her just before school started; turns out you actually can't expect a bloke to stay faithful to a smart, funny, fit-as-hell bird while she's off at a boarding school he knows nothing about. No, apparently _that_ was just too hard for the pile of hippogriff dung.

James rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You were too good for him, you know," he said quietly, nudging her with his elbow.

Her smile turned tight. "I'm not, but thanks," she muttered.

He sighed but said nothing. Pressing the point would only make her shut down— though that might not be such a bad thing; maybe that would make her stop trying to set him up with a bloody bloke.

Absently, Lily reached out and straightened his skirt— which was _far_ too short for his liking— and smooth a hand down his low-plunging t shirt. James was not the only one who had dressed up for the visitors. In fact, all around him he could find girls of all different years were dressed up in their finest; he was in the eye of a storm of lipsticks and mini skirts.

"I dunno why you're fussing," he muttered as Lily tugged down his neckline just a bit more, as if his bulging cleavage wasn't on enough of a display already. "I've already told you _multiple times_ that nothing's ever going to happen with one of them."

"You say that _now_ , but just wait until you _see them_ ," she countered, and as if her words had summoned them, the heavy wood doors of the hall burst open and in poured what seemed to be about fifty men of of different years, all donning the same heavy winter cloaks and hats that seemed to be made of beaver pelt.

The excited chatter around the hall hushed to an awed whisper, each girl apparently so completely enraptured in the appearance of the opposite gender that they cared not for subtly as they stared, some literally open-mouth, at the newcomers.

"No idea what the big deal is about," Sirius grumbled beside James. "Let me come in here without this bloody potion and pants will soaked and on the floor like _that."_ He snapped his fingers for emphasis as Peter let out a quiet snort across the table.

James smirked dryly and rolled his eyes at Sirius' antics, but he could see his friend's point. Many of the Durmstrang students looked eerily alike, with a similar strong brow and deep-set eyes that James could not even begin to picture being attractive to anyone. Though there were obvious standouts, the likes of which he wouldn't have noticed had Lily not been continuously pointing out in an excited whisper, James decided that the boys of Durmstrang were… average. Mundane, if he was being brutally honest about some. _Maybe this'll make it easier to make Lily back the hell off about setting me up with one._

 _"_ _Bonjour et bienvenue, les frères de Durmstrang,"_ Madame Maxime's high trill cut through the murmurs, effectively silencing the hall.

James watched as a tall, older man with a stern expression ascended the few steps to the teachers' table at the front, bowing his head respectfully as he kissed the back of Maxime's proffered hand. _"Merci, Monsieur Chernykov,"_ she murmured, apparently delighted by the show.

"Thank you for the welcome," Chernykov replied in a deep grumble that seemed to come right from his bones, his words heavily accented with a certain Eastern European flair that pinched the vowels and gave a hard cut to the consonants. "As usual, your kindness knows no bounds." From the lack of infliction in his tone, James could tell the Headmaster had said those words countless times over numerous visits to the French castle.

However, if Maxime recognized the scripted words, it didn't show. "But of course!" She laughed, a bit sensually. "Only the best for our most welcome guests. But now," she then turned to the rest of the hall, hand that was not being held by Chernykov outstretched dramatically, "let the feast begin!"

Chernykov took that as his cue to straighten up and turn sharply on his heel until he was facing the mass of students. He gave a single, sharp order in some language indiscernible to James' ears, and the Durmstrang students, as one, fell into whichever seat was closest to them.

"Hello."

James turned around in his seat and ended up facing a wall of hard muscle. Thick, defined veins twined up a considerably muscled arm which reached across the table to grab a chicken drumstick and drop it onto a plate. He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head back, surprised when a pair of amused cobalt eyes met his.

"Um. Hi?" James greeted, though it came out as more of a question than anything.

"Hello," the man repeated, his voice full and rich, a certain sultry note colouring the vaguely Slavic accent dragging the consonants of the greeting. "I am sorry. Was this your seat?"

James frowned. "No," he said slowly.

"I do not think we've ever met before," the stranger said lightly, dark brown eyes giving James a slow once-over before he held his hand out. "My name is Mikhail. Mikhail Olensk.

James' eyes slowly widened and he stared up at Mikhail in astonishment. _So_ this _is Tallet's mystery bloke._ Behind the newcomer, James could see Sirius shooting him a hard look, jerking his chin insistently at Mikhail's outstretched hand. He jumped and flashed a sheepish smile when he caught Mikhail's uncertain look at the long silence, quickly offering his hand out to the Durmstrang. "Hi, I'm— I'm Jamie," he stammered out, his usual smooth velvet murmur coming out as a high squeak in his surprise at the sheer luck of the situation.

The corner of Mikhail's mouth curved upwards into a smirk as he brought the back of James' small hand to his lips, brushing a kiss to his knuckles. "Pleasure," he said quietly, eyes never leaving James'.

That jolted James back to reality. He quickly pulled his hand back, nose scrunched up as he quickly, discreetly, wiped his knuckles on his uniform skirt. _Where did this bloke learn his moves? His grandfather?_ "So you're from Durmstrang?" James asked after a beat of silence had past, taking no care to hide the distaste in his voice.

James didn't like the twinkle that lit in Mikhail's eyes. Not one bit. "What gave it away?" he asked dryly, adjusting the heavy fur cloak on his shoulders pointedly.

James couldn't help but roll his eyes at the man's stale attempt at playfulness. "Oh, I don't know," he sighed sarcastically, pretending to think hard as he gave Mikhail an overly dramatic once-over. "I think the cock is a pretty good indicator."

Mikhail's eyebrows soared into his hairline, the brazen comment clearly catching him off-guard, and James winced slightly as his friends all went silent around him, acutely aware of their attention suddenly honed in on Mikhail. _Fuck. Did I mess up already?_

Just as James was about to throw in the towel and call it a night, certain that he had ruined his one chance of getting close to their only lead, Mikhail suddenly burst out laughing, a deep, rich sound full of amusement.

"You have a dirty mouth, Jamie," he chuckled, eyes sparkling.

James could feel when the Marauders released their breath as a collective, and relief coursed through him as he offered Mikhail a shaky smile. "So I've been told," he said faintly, wincing a little as Mikhail leaned in.

"I have heard that occasionally the students here can leave to go to the village, yes?" He asked quietly, his voice a soft conspiratory murmur in James' ear as two of his fellow Durmstrang brothers passed by behind them, furs rustling James' long hair.

"Épache, yeah." James leaned back a little in his seat, nearly pressed against Sirius in his haste to get away from Mikhail's advances.

Mikhail smiled. "Right. Well. I do not know much about this village, so maybe you could show me around?" He leaned in closer, his lips pressed right up against James' ear as he added softly, "And maybe you can show me what else that dirty mouth of yours can do."

James shivered, the disgust in the movement hidden behind the coyness of a ducked head and flushed cheeks. He shifted back in his seat, putting as much distance as possible between himself and the Durmstrang, his right hand subconsciously drifting to hover over the wand tucked into the waistband of his skirt. "I would just _love_ to, but I'm new here, so—" he started dryly, voice tense, but a hard jab in the side and a sharp kick in the shin cut him off.

James just barely managed to avoid crying out in pain. Biting his lip hard, he glanced back at Sirius, who gave a sharp shake of his head, then at Lily sitting across from him, who was looking at him as if he were crazy. _Crazy for not wanting to go on a date with a fucking_ Death Eater? _Think again, Evans._ He returned his gaze to Mikhail and flashed a tight, apologetic smile.. "I'm new here, so I really wouldn't be the best guide—"

"She'd love to," Sirius cut in smoothly over James' shoulder, flashing a winning smile at Mikhail. "We're new, but what better way to explore than with someone else who doesn't know what the fuck they're doing. Isn't that right, Jamie?"

James cut Sirius a murderous glare, but when the other boy refused to back down, smile bright in the face of James' anger, he simply grit his teeth and forced a smile. "Right," he agreed quietly, a bit ruefully. "We can go exploring _together."_

Mikhail's smile grew wide. "Perfect," he said in satisfaction, then leaned in to press a light kiss to James' cheek as his name was called from across the hall. "I will meet you at the carriages tomorrow," he promised as he rose to his feet, flashing James one final smile before he spun on his heel and took off to where his friends were seated.

James stared after Mikhail in stunned silence, his stomach like lead, even when Lily squealed in excitement and reached across the table to take James' hands, squeezing tightly.

" _Jamie!"_ She squeaked, grin stretched from ear to ear. "Merlin, you have a _date!"_

He winced, smile more like a grimace as he attempted to match her enthusiasm. "A date," he echoed numbly, shaking his head in disbelief. "Brilliant."

Sirius nudged him in the side, nodding over to the Vanimour table when James slowly glanced back. "Looks like you aren't the only one Olensk has an interest in," he murmured.

James followed Sirius' line of sight, lips immediately pulling down into a frown as Mikhail neatly slipped into the vacant seat beside Evangeline, a small smile curling his sensual lips as she pulled him into a hug that lasted far longer than it should have.

"So what do you think his deal is?" James asked quietly, brow furrowed slightly as Evangeline leaned in to press a kiss to Mikhail's cheek, bright smile playing on her glossy lips. "He asks me out, then goes over to play around with Talent in plain sight. Is he an idiot or does he just not care?"

Sirius glanced down at James with a raised eyebrow. "As much as I would _love_ to dissect whether or not a bloke _actually_ wants to fuck you, Prongs, I think we have a different question to ask," he said dryly.

James' cheeks burned and he scowled. "And what would that be?"

"Whether or not he has the Dark Mark," Remus interjected thoughtfully from over Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius nodded in agreement. "We need to find out if you're going out with a Death Eater."

 _"_ _Prongs!"_

The shout of anger came as James' fist once again rammed into Sirius' side later that night after everyone had retired to their dormitories and Durmstrang had returned to their ship for the night. The Polyjuice had long since worn off, and James was in a right fit over the next day's affairs.

"Who _fucking_ told you to set me up with a bloody _Durmstrang?"_ James demanded angrily, straddling Sirius' hips as his fists rained down on the other boy. " _'Oh, she'd just_ love _to'!_ Who gave you the fucking right, Padfoot?"

"It was for the _mission_ , Prongs!" Sirius snarled back in defence, jerking sharply from side to side to dislodge James. Sirius cut his friend a hard look as he rolled to his feet and collapsed back on his bed. "Look, now you're going to be in a _prime position_ to get information from him. If we're right about Olensk, we can be out of here by the end of the week and we'll be on the fast track to becoming Aurors. Just take one for the team and get this bloody mission over with."

James scowled up at Sirius from his position on the floor. "If I have to go on this fucking date, it might not be worth it, Pads," he warned quietly.

Sirius threw his hands up in exasperation. "Mate, if you didn't want to go out with a Durmstrang bloke, then why the hell were you dressed like that?" he asked tiredly.

"Because!" James paused for a moment, torn, then sighed and muttered reluctantly, looking away, "Lily wanted me to."

Sirius stared at James in silence for a moment, then barked out a laugh, shaking his head in amusement. "And _that_ is what you get for not turning her," Sirius snorted as he hopped to his feet and moved to their shared bathroom. "Let me know how long he is," he called at the door. "I've always wanted to say with confidence that I've got more than a Death Eater."

"Bloody Merlin," James groaned as he flopped back on his bed, raking his fingers through his familiar short black mop. "I'm not going. That's it; if Dad wants to fire me, he can go right ahead, because _this_ is where I draw the line."

Remus rolled his eyes and set his book aside. "Oh, come off it," he scoffed as he sat back on his bed, eyes knowing as he fixed them on his friend. "James, we all know you're going to go through with it because, mission or not, you want to catch this killer just as much as we do, and you know Mikhail is our best lead," he reasoned, and though his voice was even and just a tad bit dry, there was a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "So I don't care if this makes you feel less like a man or if you want to throw up afterwards. We need to know if this bloke is a Death Eater. So you're going to do whatever it takes to gain his trust and get a good look at this forearm, okay? No holding back."

"Do you even _hear_ yourself?" James demanded incredulously, glancing over at Remus with wide eyes. "You're _pimping me out_ for information! If I was a bird, you would _literally_ be arrested."

"Well." Remus spread his hands and sat back, a full smirk now curling his lips as he returned his attention to his book. "It's a good thing you aren't a bird, now, isn't it."

* * *

 **A/N:** Here it is! I hope this fic doesn't have too much exposition for you guys. I'm really just trying to set things up for fun later chapters with more action sequences, but I know it might seem like a lot when I literally never update (so sorry by the way. I'm slowly trying to remedy that).

On a brighter note, who's excited for James to go on a date?! I already have a broad image of what I want that chapter to look like, and I have the week off from school, so I'm hoping to have everything up relatively quickly. I'm really excited to write it out!

As always, reviews are warm fuzzy socks on a cold stone floor.


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